Dads And Daughters With Eating Disorders

 

Dear Eating Disorder (“ED”):

It’s Saturday, July 4, 2009.

 

The 4^th of July.  Independence Day.

 

I just wanted to drop you a note, ED, to let you know my beautiful daughter, though not independent of you yet, will be.  I promise you that.  And I can’t wait until we can celebrate her Eating Disorder Independence Day.  It will be more important to me than the 4^th of July. 

 

And I’m working for and praying that millions and millions and millions of other women and men, girls and boys, will also declare their own Eating Disorder Independence Day soon.  Very soon.

 

You Are Not Welcome

 

You are not welcome in our lives. 

 

You are not wanted.

 

We’ve never met personally, you and me, ED.  And I confess that as hard as I’ve tried to understand you and figure out how you weasel your way into vulnerable people’s lives, manipulate them, and ultimately take control of not only what they do but who they are, I still don’t feel like I know you at all.

 

10 Reasons I Hate You      

 

Even though I don’t really know you, ED, based on what I have seen and experienced of you, manifested through my daughter, here’s a short list of only 10 of the innumerable things I do know about you and that make me hate you with all my heart and soul:

 

·     You’re a sneaky son-of-a-bitch.  You took over my daughter’s life without warning, slowly, stealthily, and in many disguises so neither she nor I even noticed it until it was too late.  Way too late.  But we’re on to you now.

 

·     You’re a coward.  You preyed on my daughter when she was in her most vulnerable state.  You want to fight fair?  Prove you’re strong?  Come on…see if you can take over my life.  Any time, any place, buster.

 

·     You lie.  Somehow and in ways that are beyond my comprehension, you convinced my daughter you were her friend.  Someone who would comfort and console her when all you really wanted to do was control her, make her miserable, and eventually kill her.

 

·     You cheat.  Well…of course you cheat.  You cheated my daughter out of what should have been some of the most wonderful, fulfilling, happiest, and most joyful years of her life.  You cheated our whole family out of the joy and pleasure we should have been sharing with her during that time and turned those years into years of tears, fighting, arguing, anguish, and heartache. 

 

·     You lurk.  My daughter is getting better right now I think.  I believe.  I hope.  She’s learned what an evil, nasty s.o.b. you are and is fighting like hell to get you out of her life.  But I know you’ll lurk.  As she’s getting stronger you’ll still be slinking around.  Sneaking.  Waiting.  You’ll let her think she’s gotten rid of you, but you’ll still be lurking.  Waiting for her to have another tough time in her life when she’s feeling weak and vulnerable.  When her self confidence is ebbing.    When her self image is deflated.  When she feels out of control of her life.  You’ll still be furtively skulking around there hoping to get back into her life.  To take over her life.  But be on notice, ED.  I’ll be there, too, this time.  So be prepared because you’re going to have your hands full. 

 

·     You’re greedy.  You want my daughter all to yourself.  I’m her dad and I’m not greedy with her, so why in the heck are you?  I don’t expect her to love me and me alone.  Or to spend all of her time only with me.  I want her to have friends…you alienate her from her friends.  I want her to love and spend time with her sister and mom and other family members…you want her to worship you and you alone.  I want her to find a soul mate to share her life with if that suits her…but you, you greedy bastard, want to have everything exclusively in your power to capture, control, and keep her all for yourself.  It ain’t gonna happen any more.

 

·     You’re cruel.  Not only did you willfully and knowingly cause my daughter unimaginable mental and physical pain and suffering, but I think you enjoyed the distress you caused.  And worse, you made her act in such deceitful and hurtful ways towards those she loves the most, that her actions and attitudes caused us indescribable pain and suffering, too.  And I’m sure you took great pride and enjoyment from that collateral damage, didn’t you?  Never again, however.  We’ve got your number now.

 

·     You’re evil.  I’m not saying you’re Satan, but perhaps you are.  If so, I wouldn’t be surprised.  At least some manifestation of Satan because while in your grasp and control you turned a sweet, kind, loving, honest young woman into a lying, deceitful, unpleasant, angry, and very unhappy person.  Drinking alcohol to excess.  Hiding food.  Destroying her health.  Ignoring her friends or mistreating them.  Lying to me, her mom, and her sister quite regularly.  I think only evil in its purest form could have done that to my sweet daughter.  I know it wasn’t her.  But she’s coming back.  She’s recovering.  So watch out. 

 

·     You’re manipulative.  I really, really hate you for this.  You’d never talk to me or those close to my daughter directly or even honestly.  You never showed yourself to us.    Rather you manipulated her so your words and your actions came through her.  You manipulated her like she was your personal puppet.  The part I hate most about that is that although you were the cause, she’s the one who had to suffer the consequences.  While all the while you sat back laughing and having a grand old time, huh?  She’s the one who I scolded and lectured about lying.  She’s the one who had to put up with my constant harangues about getting control of herself and getting her health back.  She’s the one who had to clean the sides of the highway for days on end after you and your cousin alcohol got her in trouble for driving under the influence.  She’s the one who you manipulated right to the very brink of death by starvation.  She’s the one who had to go into treatment isolated and alone where her bathroom visits were monitored and she woke up every day to a scale and blood pressure cuff.  She’s the one who lost privileges when you manipulated her to “accidentally” knock food off of her plate.  It was her arms that were riddled with needles for innumerable blood tests.  It was her throat that was raw from the feeding tubes.  It was you who made her “accidentally” cough those feeding tubes out of her body more than once – and lie about it.  But we’re ready for your manipulative tactics now.  She and I are ready.  And the rest of the family, too.  More aware.  Better informed.  Better armed.  Stronger.  United.

 

·     Generally, you’re disgusting.  Before you came into my daughter’s life she was quite delightful in every way.  You, on the other hand, are monumentally disgusting in every way.  Your devious and immoral ways are detestable.  You literally sicken those whose lives you enter, like my daughter, both physically and mentally, and you also sicken and cause revulsion in those whose lives they touch when under your influence.  Although those under your spell may think they want to keep you in their lives, once they grasp how disgusting you really are, they can’t wait to get rid of you.  And we dads and moms and all the others who have loved ones that you’re influencing can’t wait to get rid of you either and we’re willing to try anything to get your disgusting presence out of and away from our daughters, sons, sisters, and brothers.  Anything. 

 

That’s just a quick, off the top of my head glimpse, ED, of what I think about you.

 

I just thought it was fair that you know.   

 

Eating Disorder Independence Day

 

Even though my daughter is only in the early stages of her recovery, there is no doubt in my mind that one of these days she will declare complete Independence from you. 

 

She will have her Eating Disorder Independence Day.

 

I don’t know exactly when she’ll declare that joyous event.  That’s up to her with support from me, her mom and sister, and her treatment team.  But she will.

 

Sure, you’ll be lurking in the recesses of her mind, body, and soul.  But we’re on to you now, so if you’re smart, you’ll forget about my daughter.  You might as well move on.

 

Oh, and by the way, ED, if through my blog and website and speaking and writing about Eating Disorders and Eating Disorder Awareness combined with all of the other wonderful people working for your obliteration we, united, have anything to say about it, you might as well give up the fight right now.  We’ll not let you win.  No way, no how.

 

Our goal is to put everyone now suffering from any sort of Eating Disorder on track for their own Eating Disorder Independence Day.  We’re going to support them and their families and friends and share our knowledge, experiences, and strength.  We’re in it for the long haul and our numbers and perseverance are growing.

 

So today, ED, I hereby declare my own Eating Disorder Independence Day on behalf of  all sufferers, those in recovery, and, especially my daughter.

 

Independence won’t be actualized for all of them today…but their days will come.

 

Happy Eating Disorder Independence Day everyone!

 

Oh, how Americans - and we dads with daughters with Eating Disorders in particular - love to find someone or something else to blame when things don’t go the way we want them to. 

 

Or when we screw up. 

 

Here’s how absurd it can get.

 

The Twinkie Defense

 

Perhaps you’ve heard of the “Twinkie Defense.” 

 

In a 1979 murder trial in California psychiatrists for the Defendant, Dan White, testified that he was so depressed at the time of the crime that he was legally incapable of premeditation.  So it was manslaughter, not murder.

 

They pointed to evidence of his depression including that although he was previously a fitness fanatic and health food advocate, he was now eating junk food and drinking drinks loaded with sugar. 

 

It was suggested that sugary foods could worsen his mood swings and inferred that sugary foods = depression/mood swings = killing Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk of San Francisco. 

 

No question he killed them.  That was clear.

 

Nevertheless the jury let him off the 1st degree murder charge because of “diminished capacity for premeditation” and instead convicted him only of voluntary manslaughter.

 

The community was outraged.  Riots ensued.

 

Twinkies were never actually mentioned in the trial, but some creative reporter coined the phrase “Twinkie Defense.”   

 

Now, 30 years later, the Twinkie Defense still connotes passing the buck… denying responsibility for your actions by looking for someone else or something else to blame…no matter how ridiculous.

 

The Perfect Daughter

 

Each of my two daughters was, to me, “the perfect daughter.”  They got in little trouble growing up.  They were polite and respectful.  Social.  Everyone liked them.  They were fun to be with and enjoyed life.  They had fabulous groups of friends.  Both are major athletes. They went to college and both earned Masters Degrees. 

 

They were storybook kids, teens, and young adults.

 

So when I first realized and admitted to myself that my younger daughter was Anorexic, my first reaction was to find the Twinkie Defense. 

 

What or who should I blame.  It can’t be her and it can’t be me…

 

Maybe it was the Twinkies I let her eat in her childhood.

 

I’ve discovered that many dads with daughters with Eating Disorders have the same initial reaction. 

 

I like to fix things.  To solve problems.  Other dads are like that, too.

 

To fix something I need to get to the bottom of the problem…understand the causes and reasons for it.  Then I can formulate and implement a corrective plan. 

 

That’s why my first thought once I actually accepted that my precious daughter had an Eating Disorder was to figure out who or what was to blame.  Who or what caused it?  It’s the first logical step to figuring out how to fix it. 

 

Reality

 

Last December just before Christmas my daughter’s Eating Disorder had become so serious that her doctor told her and the family that she would die (not might die…would die) if she didn’t get into immediate in-patient treatment for her Anorexia. 

 

After 3 ½ months of treatment at Remuda Ranch, she’s now back home and in the early stages of her recovery. 

 

Here’s some of what you might dream up or find if you are looking for Eating Disorder Twinkie Defenses, i.e., causes and blames for Eating Disorders.

 

There is evidence that there is probably a genetic link. 

 

There’s a strong media influence.  Paper thin models.  And if they aren’t thin enough they get Photoshopped into appearing impossibly lean and outrageously gorgeous (by whose standards, I can’t help wonder, but that’s a discussion for another day).

 

Then there’s the $40 million per year diet industry, advertising with obnoxious constancy, fueling the fires of our fantasies for finding the “perfect size” (or weight or however you might think of it).  I don’t know about you, but at this time of year I’m sooooooo sick of hearing and seeing the “Bikini Body” and “Get Ready for Summer” dieting ads.

 

Some want Mattel to share the blame for creating the Barbie Doll with impossible female proportions.

 

The list goes on and on and on.  Twinkies of all sizes, shapes, and colors.  Someone or something else to blame.

 

Since my daughter’s brush with Death by Anorexia, I’ve become dedicated to learning everything I can about Eating Disorders both for her sake and also in the hope of helping others prevent and effectively deal with EDs.

 

I’m far from an expert.  But, unfortunately, I have considerable on the job training.

 

Here’s a tidbit I can share with absolute confidence. 

 

There is no single cause for anyone’s Eating Disorder. 

 

At the same time, some or, perhaps all of the factors I mentioned before may contribute to or influence the development of Eating Disorders.

 

Eating Disorders are complex and very complicated. 

 

Just as there is no single cause or blame, there is also no single magic cure either.

 

No one has the answers yet.  It’s individualized…what affects one person has no influence on another.   That holds true when looking at both causes and cures.

 

A Few Ideas  

 

Since any or all of the above factors (plus hundreds of others) can contribute to your daughter (or son) developing an eating Disorder, are they our Twinkie Defense? 

 

Can we abdicate our parental responsibility and just blame them? 

 

Not in my view.

 

Not that we’re to blame, either.  None of us should feel even an ounce of guilt.  I don’t.

 

But we do have influence with our children whether little kids or grown up adults. 

 

So what can you, as a caring dad (or mom), actually do? 

 

Well, let’s see…hmmmm…you could lock your daughter in her room and protect her from all of those Twinkies….I mean influences.

 

Rather impractical.

 

You could write letters to the media and ask them to stop using skinny models to sell their publications and the products their advertisers are hawking.  But they won’t change until the majority of people stop buying their publications.  Letters are great, but they don’t have nearly the influence profits do. 

 

You might campaign to have the diet industry quit advertising so much or just go away.  Maybe if you’d pay them their $40 million per year – and growing – they’d consider it.  But until you’re willing to do that, they won’t.

 

Maybe Mattel will discontinue Barbie or change her proportions and features to look like an average American woman.  Actually, I’m sure they would do that if you could convince them that the Average Barbie would make them a bazillion more dollars a year than the current Barbie does.  Not likely. 

 

Drop The Twinkie Defense

 

I have a different idea. 

 

Toss out the Twinkie Defense.  Quit blaming the media, diet industry, Barbie, and anyone/anything else.  Sure, we still want to work to get all third parties with influence to be aware of Eating Disorders and become responsible respecting them. 

 

But, unfortunately, I, for one, acknowledge that I will be dead before that actually happens. 

 

So here’s my suggestion as a practical, “fix it,” thinking dad.  Something you can do right now and get instant and long term results. 

 

Gather your family at the dining room table and talk. 

 

What?  Talk?

 

Yep.

 

Do not talk to them.  Do not talk at them.  Do not lecture.  Do not judge.  Do not criticize.

 

Talk with your daughters and sons.  Actually communicate using a magic concept called dialogue.

 

Dialogue means an exchange of ideas, thoughts, opinions, feelings, and emotions on any and every subject imaginable. 

 

Notice I said “exchange.”

 

Dialogue is about communicating freely and openly.  Give and take. 

 

Your role as dad in this dialogue starts and ends with listening and being interested without judgment or criticism in any feelings your daughter might express.

 

I suggest you do this at dinner time around the family dinner table. 

 

Dinner Table Dialogue.

 

This is not the time to be disciplinarian or Grand Master of Life Lessons.  That is still your job, too, dads.  You still have to do that.  But try not to do it during your Dinner Table Dialogues.

 

As soon as your children can talk, start doing this with them so they always feel like they can tell you how the feel about things without you criticizing them or “correcting” them for how they feel. 

 

Discipline them for their behaviors if and when you must. 

 

But not for their feelings.

 

There’s a difference. 

 

When they’re old enough, be innovative and creative.  Bring a grocery store tabloid to the table and ask them how they feel about the cover with the headline and pictures of “The Sexiest Summer Bodies.”  (I actually saw that one yesterday.)

 

Talk about it.  Listen.  See if they’re developing body image issues.  Self confidence issues.  Self esteem issues.  These are keys in the development of Eating Disorders.

 

Listen not in judgment…in love. 

 

Find out how they feel about “Bikini Bodies” and their body.  And yours, for that matter. 

 

Open the door to any subject.  It is your absolute responsibility to teach your daughters how to deal emotionally with the media, diet industry, Barbie, their friends, their enemies, the world.

 

And oh, yeah, teach them how to deal with themselves.  Love themselves.  Be comfortable and confident with their bodies and emotions.

 

If your daughter comes home from kindergarten or college or anything in between upset because some jackass said she was fat or called her lard butt, please avoid doing what I probably did when my daughters were growing up.  Most likely I would have said something like, “Who cares?  She’s an idiot, her mom’s as fat as cow so she’s probably just jealous, and besides, sticks and stones…”

 

None of that will matter to her.  She doesn’t want you to discount her feelings or tell her she’s wrong to feel hurt.    

 

She just wants you to validate her and her emotions.  She wants to know you care about how she feels.  To tell her you know she’s upset and you care and you’re sorry.  To ask her what you can do to help make her feel better.  To comfort her.    

 

If you discount her feelings about anything or criticize her for having the feelings she feels (even if you think they’re dumb), you’re asking for her to stop sharing those feelings with you.  You will shut her down.

 

Bottling up negative feelings, I guarantee, can eventually lead to Eating Order Disaster.

 

In My Case

 

Did I do all this right?

 

Not even close.  I rarely, if ever I think, talked to my daughters about their feelings.  At least I can’t remember doing so.  Grades, yes.  Activities, yes.  Sports, yes.  What they did during the day, yes.  Boyfriends, yes (superficially). 

 

Feelings, no.  Emotions, no.  Mental health, no.  Self esteem, no.  Self confidence, no.  Body image, no (never thought about it and didn’t even know it was a subject to talk about).  Perfectionism, no.

 

Did I give them a sympathetic, understanding, caring ear?  About behaviors yes.  About feelings and emotions, no.

 

And so, am I my daughter’s Twinkie Defense?  Can she blame me for her Anorexia? 

 

No.

 

But I could have done it better, that’s for sure.

 

Through simple, honest dialogue about the media and the preposterous models they use.  By dialoguing about the absurdity of scam and fad dieting for all the wrong reasons.  About Barbie.  For gosh sakes, it you’re not going to teach your daughter that Barbie is NOT REAL, I don’t think you’re in a very strong position to pass the buck to Mattel.  It’s not their fault if you didn’t teach your daughter the difference between a dool and the real world.  That’s on you. 

 

Mattel makes dolls. 

 

You make daughters. 

 

Did I do my dading job perfectly?  Nope. 

 

Did I do it well?  In retrospect, not nearly as well as I could have.  Not nearly as well as I would have liked. 

 

And although I will not and encourage you not to use the Twinkie Defense and look all over for the blame, don’t blame yourself either. 

 

Even if I would have been the best and most perfect dad in the history of the Universe, that, alone, does not mean my daughter would have or could have avoided her Eating Disorder.  There’s more to it than that.  Much more.

 

Doing The Best We Can

 

But that doesn’t excuse us dads from being and doing the best we can.

 

After the fact I can tell you this.  My daughter’s recovery is going to be directly related to her strength and her will because she has now learned to better express and deal with her most difficult emotions and feelings about herself and her world (things that I didn’t help her with much, I’m afraid, as she was growing up.).  She, not me, the media, or anyone else is going to do it.  She is.

 

Not alone.  She’ll do it with the support of our whole family, a strong treatment team, good healthy food, her friends, and me standing on the sidelines cheering her on and being available to give her a hand up when she stumbles and if she falls. 

 

Fellow dads, let’s not spend our energies looking for a Twinkie Defense for ourselves or our daughters.  It’s counter productive to blame the media, the diet business, Barbie, your wife (or husband), your daughter’s friends, society, or yourself. 

 

Instead, simply start your own Dinner Table Dialogues. 

 

Become an emotional outlet for your daughters.  It is your job, not the media’s, not the diet industry’s, and not the toy company’s to help her develop the self confidence and self esteem and healthy body image necessary to resist them and the incessant messages the propagate. 

 

It’s not the school’s job, the government’s job, or her doctor’s job, either.

 

It’s your job.  No Twinkie Defense for us dads.  Let’s step up.

 

A good place to start is at your own Dinner Table. 

 

It’s powerful place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am honored to once again present a guest blog from Dan DeValk. 

 

Eating Disorders – his daughter’s Bulimia and my daughter’s Anorexia – were our initial common interests. 

 

We met during Family Week at Remuda Ranch where both of our daughters were undergoing intensive in-patient treatment and became instant friends. 

 

The memories Dan evoked in me in this guest blog made me cry again. 

 

I say again because being a “completely non-emotional – zero on a scale of 10” dad, I was surprised and shocked when I cried for about 3 straight days during Family Week. 

 

Read this and perhaps you’ll begin to understand why.

 

______________________________

 

Introduction

 

During our family week at Remuda Ranch, we took part in an incredibly important exercise.  It changed everything.

 

Although it was made up of several important components, the single, most important objective was to wipe the slate clean.  This applied to our daughter, but also to those she affected. 

 

Remember, “Shame” is a weapon that ED uses with great success.  It causes our loved one to do things that make no sense.  They become secretive about their activities and withdraw themselves from healthy relationships.  It is the intent of this process to loosen the grip of shame and create an environment where healing can be cultivated and nurtured.  The Remuda term for this exercise is, “Making Amends”.

 

My daughter is one of four children.  She’s the 3^rd.   We have two boys and two girls, born in alternating order with our other daughter being the oldest. 

 

 

How Has Your Daughter’s Eating Disorder Impacted Your Life?

 

To initiate the process, our counselor/guide/facilitator just asked, “How has your loved one’s eating disorder impacted your life?”  The absolute requirement was honesty, no matter how ugly or incriminating. 

 

And the truth had to be delivered with love, not meant to evoke guilt or shame.  The objective was to start the healing process.  In order to do that, old wounds needed to be exposed and addressed.

 

For over 4 years our family was deeply involved in Grace’s problem.  ED became everyone’s problem.  Not a single day went by without some attention being given to the disorder. 

 

As time moved forward, little by little, it occupied more of our thoughts and became a consideration in more and more of our decisions.  My wife and I could not spend a night away from home alone, because we simply could not trust our daughter and feel secure about her safety. 

 

Dysfunction is so hard to see when you’re living it.

 

“How has the ED and co-addiction impacted our lives?” 

 

The Emotional Door – Into the Dark Place

 

The enormity of opening this emotional door and walking into a very dark place was overwhelming.  The potential for pain, anger, rejection, and a flood of other feelings was met with genuine fear in me.  I had no desire to explore this place in my mind.  As far as I was concerned, it did not exist.  Those feelings were quarantined under lock and key and the lock had a skull and crossbones on it. 

 

The staff at Remuda Ranch was extremely sensitive to what was being asked of us.  And they knew that if we tried to shine a light on too many aspects of the past all at once, we would be crushed. 

 

So we were carefully guided through small emotional doorways that led to remote recesses of our memory. 

 

Art Therapy

 

For example, we were put into a room with several other families.  There were about 7 large tables that had all kinds of art supplies in the center.  We were given the instruction to express in art form “How this disorder impacted your life.”  We had 25 minutes. 

 

I looked over at my wife and she was deep in thought.  Not moving.  Not able to move.  Frozen. 

 

I was overcome with recollections.  How could I express the detail from 4 years of continually being immersed in emotional tension?  A flood of memories roared through my mind. 

 

The lies.  The stealing.  The complete erosion of trust.  The innumerable, heated verbal battles.  Not knowing where she was.  Countless nights my wife and I went to bed arguing over where our daughter was and her not answering her cell phone.  Siblings being slighted in our attention.  Exhaustion.  The financial stress it added to our entire household.  

 

My mind raced ahead.  Weekends were the worst because we had no control. 

 

ED was only part of my daughter’s symptoms.  Because ED always brings a couple of friends, she was also smoking a lot of pot, taking pain-killers, and drinking.  That’s just what I know about. 

 

We were forced to hide all medications in the house for fear that she would abuse them. 

 

We were spending thousands of dollars on counselors and medications that did little-to-no good. 

 

We sent her to a private school for a year. 

 

My wife and I used our connections to get her jobs and she repeatedly blew them off.  We asked her to give her little brother a ride to school, where she also went, and we couldn’t count on her to do it.  Our son, who is very dedicated to academics, was getting detentions for being tardy too often. 

 

Every morning was a fight to get her out of bed.  And every night was spent worrying what she was doing. 

 

My wife, whom I love deeply, and I argued daily.  Stress, anxiety, powerlessness, exhaustion, and depression permeated every corner of our home. 

 

All the kids knew it.  Our friends knew we had problems.  We became withdrawn and isolated….

 

So how do I express all this stuff in an art project that I only have, well, now 12 minutes to complete?

 

Our art project was not the purpose of this project.  In fact, the real purpose was to make us open the door to an emotional hiding place that was emotionally off-limits for years - in some cases, many, many years. 

 

We reluctantly turned the knob, and looked inside our mental recesses with a flashlight.  Out of love and wisdom, we weren’t given time to look at all the things in there, only what a memory highlight beam revealed. 

 

We had no way of knowing how big the room was or how many nooks and crannies it had.  For each of us, it was different. 

 

And that was the wisdom in this activity.  My wife was allowed to say how she was directly affected.  My daughter explored how she was personally affected, and I was forced to confront some feelings and grudges that I thought were buried.

 

The art materials we used could be found in any home.  Construction paper, poster board, markers, magazines, glue, glitter, scissors, pipe cleaners, etc….  

 

When the time was up, we gathered our creations and met in a smaller, more intimate room.  We were back with our core group of just a few families.  One by one we were asked to explain what our piece was meant to express. 

 

No holds barred; no obfuscations or sugar-coating, the truth, no matter how ugly, had to be brought out into the open and laid bare.

 

The Broken Heart

 

Another family went before us.  An older sister of a beautiful girl that had been held in the grips of anorexia for over six years, spoke first.  (Quick side not: Please recall the intense, heart-wrenching, painful memories that my wife and I experienced just trying to do this project.  That emotion was just as strong for everyone who participated.  So, by the time we got to this point of explaining what our art was expressing, our hearts and minds were extremely sensitive.) 

 

These two sisters were extremely close while growing up.  They shared common interests and friends.  They even pursued the same career. 

 

I’ll call the older sister Emily, and the younger one, with anorexia, Chloe.  Emily put her project in her lap.  It was nothing real special for the casual observer, just two paper plates, inverted to be like a clamshell. 

 

On the top was the drawing of a beautiful, Valentine shaped heart with exquisite detail.  Emily explained that this represented her own heart while sharing her life with Chloe.  She loved her with all her heart and was proud of who she was.  Their relationship was the most important thing in her life. 

 

Emily’s heart was complete. 

 

Then she opened the clamshell and showed it to Chloe.  The same heart was completely ripped apart.  Years of lying and stealing and broken promises had slowly, painfully torn pieces from her heart and greatly damaged their relationship.   Emily was devastated.   She didn’t even trust her own sister to watch her small children. 

 

Up till that point, Chloe knew that their love was strained and that their relationship had grown cold.  But she did not know the deep seeded pain that Emily was feeling and living with everyday. 

 

Emily had to guard her heart by limiting her depth of engagement with Chloe. 

 

So, although Chloe’s life was consumed with anorexia and other addictions, (which is true in about 90% of ED cases) the fallout had infected others as well. 

 

Chloe’s relationship with her best friend and sister, which represented security, love, and something very positive, was sacrificed willingly for the sake of her disorder.  Emily was shattered and Chloe, too self-absorbed, had no idea this had happened. 

 

ED had rationalized this fallout as Emily’s problem.  It was she who had changed feelings and gotten involved with her husband and children and left Chloe in the dust.  Chloe couldn’t believe that Emily wanted her involved as an aunt.  Emily needed a girl friend to talk with about marriage and being a mom and just changes in life.  It was all jettisoned. 

 

So, in Emily’s emotional room of memories, one of the most significant ways that Chloe’s ED had affected her was a total breakdown in the relationship with her beloved sister.

 

Peeling Onions

 

One-by-one, with no time limit, each art project was explained.  There was great pain expressed.  Commitment, dedication, the foundation of trust, and love were traded for the sake of the disorder.  ED and the co-addiction demanded complete loyalty regardless of the damage to others. 

 

It was very unsettling to me to hear that the sufferer had no idea of the devastation that was taking place all around them.  Entire families were involved in this nightmare.  As the past was vividly explained, there were no raised voices or anger, or anything physical, just the truth being expressed in love.  That was enough. 

 

The onion that was built-up around ED, was beginning to be peeled back and exposed for what it really was.

 

Helpless & Hopeless

 

My daughter’s project revealed her own feeling of helplessness against this dark power that controlled her. 

 

It was a raised platform with a staircase leading up to it.  She used black construction paper.  Laying face-down on the staircase was a clay representation of my daughter. 

 

She explained that she tried to get her life back.  She sincerely wanted to get her life back; but she was just too weak to fight the enemy.  Every time she moved ahead a single step, she fell back two.  It was like the staircase she wanted desperately to climb had been coated with grease. 

 

The life she used to have was impossible to regain.  The platform where she once lived was no longer realistic to her.  She even stopped looking at it.  She felt completely hopeless. 

 

This befuddled me because, being a rational dad, I thought she had made a choice.  Surely she didn’t believe she could be involved with these deadly vices and still maintain her old life-style? 

 

But her pain was genuine and her belief that she could not recover was deeply real.  She was in the grips of something much bigger than her and she was too weak and tired to fight it any longer.  At the ripe old age of 18, my daughter believed she could never escape from ED and his friends.  She had lost all hope.

 

Not All Is Lost

 

Well, this was only the beginning to the process of “Making Amends”.  It was intended to penetrate our protective armor and peek at the deeper, core feelings that, although not obvious, were causing great obstructions to the recovery process.

 

After we each shared our project and its meaning, our counselor explained that this was a very necessary part of the healing process.  All the pain we had recalled and discussed needed to be addressed.  The deep wounds had to be treated so they could heal.  There was a cross on the property and we chose to take our art projects and lay them at its base.  For our family, it was extremely liberating to shed that emotional ball and chain.

 

That night, in our hotel room, my wife and I contacted our other children and asked that they write letters explaining how they felt during this very difficult past several years.  Our sons responded with heartfelt sorrow and maturity.  My wife and I had no idea they had such deep seeded concern. 

 

The next day, we reconvened.  During our family’s turn of sharing, we sat facing our daughter.  We read our sons’ letters.  They elicited tears from our daughter and a realization that her brothers loved her unconditionally.  She was overwhelmed with that truth.  Not all was lost, as she believed. 

 

Now that our fears and pains were exposed, we had to deal with them openly.  We had all done things that hurt each other.  We gained a clear understanding that ED and the other addictions were controlling not only our daughter’s world, but ours as well. 

 

It was not a private matter.  Each family member had been directly impacted and the family unity had been severely disrupted.  Our social life was curtailed.  Rather than talk about this 500 pound gorilla, we just isolated ourselves.  It was time to move forward and leave all the damage behind. 

 

Left to our own devices, my wife and I, and certainly our daughter, would never have gotten to this critical point of recovery.  And now that we were here, we had no clue what to do next.  Again, the professionals guided us by introducing a great tool.  We were taught how to “make amends”.

 

Making Amends

 

All the lying, deception, hiding, manipulating, sneaking, keeping of secrets, and other damaging behaviors were exposed and replaced with truth – no matter how ugly or painful.  Honesty and trust were the objective moving forward.  It was time to begin the arduous process of rebuilding on a healthy foundation grounded in truth and love.

 

In Dexter’s blog post from April 2, 2009 entitled “I feel…when…because…I need”, he describes a method of communication that can change your entire relationship – not just with your loved one suffering from an ED, but any relationship.

 

Using a derivation of that model, we began to work through the pain and distrust that slowly, methodically, bit-by-bit eroded our relationship over the years.  Here’s how this tool works.

 

First, you confess a specific behavior that needs forgiveness before healing will take place.

 

Second, you ask how that behavior made the other person feel.  This is restricted to a one-word reply.

 

Third, you ask what the other person needs from you.

 

Fourth, you ask, “Will you forgive me?”  And you need to use those exact words.

 

For example, when our children were young, I was caught-up with climbing the corporate ladder.  My job caused me to travel almost every week for years.  So this is what I said.

 

I started with, “I want to make amends for not being available to you when you were young.”  How did my absence make you feel?

 

My daughter’s reply: “Neglected.”

 

I then asked, “What do you need from me?”

 

My daughter responded with, “Involvement in my life”

 

I asked, “Will you forgive me?”

 

She said, “Yes”.

 

One of my daughter’s amends went like this.

 

She started with, “I want to make amends for stealing prescription drugs from you.”  “How did you feel?”

 

I responded with, “Betrayed”

 

She asked, “What do you need from me?”

 

I said, “Honesty”

 

She asked, “Will you forgive me?”

 

I said, “Yes”

 

I know this sounds really elementary, but I assure you, there is nothing more important in the healing process than to clear out the old skeletons.  As I described above, opening that door can be very scary and we tend to avoid it at all costs.

 

Please realize that as you explore additional recesses of your hidden memories, more hurtful recollections will be exposed.  That’s completely normal and healthy. 

 

It is very important that confession continues to keep the air clean and forgiveness destroys the pain of the offense, allowing healing to take place. 

 

The amends needed between my daughter and my wife were different than those between my daughter and me.  All three of us had done things to each other that caused relational damage.  Not all of them were going to be handled in a day or even a week. 

 

It had to be a continuous change in how we communicated. 

 

We have taken this model and expanded it to be used with other members of our family.  A great deal of air has been cleared and we’ve made huge advances toward forging stronger, better, healthier relationships.

 

Where Are Your Dark Places?  Where Are Your Amends?

 

No doubt, if your loved one has been in the grips of an eating disorder, there are dark places in your mind where you store the hurt, anger, helplessness, rejection, grief, and many other emotions.

 

Trust me when I say, “The place you’re hiding these sentiments is not infinite.  These feelings will seep out and erupt, producing very irrational behavior.”

 

Healing of all the relationships, and there are many that have been affected, will not take hold, until amends have been made.

 

Dan DeValk

____________________

Thanks Dan.  You’re the best!

 

 

 

 

Introduction

 

If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I’m the dad of a 26 year old daughter with an Eating Disorder – Anorexia.

 

She was near death in December, spent 3 ½ months at Remuda Ranch in intensive inpatient treatment, and is now back home starting her 2^nd month of independent recovery. 

 

She’s had 2 Eating Disorder related incidents since she’s been home.  Slips, not relapses. 

 

In spite of the slips, I think all-in-all she’s doing pretty great.  But one thing I’ve learned is that you can never relax and take things for granted.

 

I also realize more slips are almost inevitable and, statistically speaking, a relapse is quite possible.

 

As her dad, as hard as it was accept, I finally came to realize some time ago that there is not much I can do to help her.  And there was not much I could have done to help her prevent or avoid her Eating Disorder either. 

 

Not much. 

 

But there are some things we dads (and moms, siblings, relatives, friends, co-workers, and others) can and should do to help our loved ones in both Eating Disorder prevention and recovery. 

 

3 Things We Can Do

 

1.  Communicate. 

 

I always thought I communicated pretty well with my 2 daughters.  I thought our whole family was pretty open and communicated well. 

 

But I admit now that my communication was on a rather superficial level.  Didn’t realize it at the time.  Hindsight is brutally enlightening.

 

We dads really need to be aware of and make a conscious effort to communicate with our daughters (and sons) on an emotional and feelings level.

 

We don’t’ typically do that well.  We gloss over feelings – theirs and ours. 

 

They cry and we say be tough…be strong. 

 

They’re in pain and we say shake it off. 

 

They feel ugly, insecure, inferior, or unworthy and we can’t imagine why so we just ignore it.

 

Ignore or make light of your daughter’s hurt, pain, and insecurity, and she’ll keep it inside.  That’s a dangerous proposition.

 

If you really want to communicate with your daughter – regardless of her age – ask her how she feels about things.  Not what she thinks about them.  How she feels about them. 

 

And then…

 

2.  Listen.

 

That means pay serious attention.

 

It means let your daughter tell you about her world without judgment or criticism.  Without telling her what to do all the time.  Without expecting her to be you.

 

Your daughter may see and experience her world from a perspective that’s as different from yours as black is from white. 

 

The sooner you get tuned into your daughter’s view – even though it may be incomprehensible to you, irrational, distorted, and completely detached from reality – listen anyway because to her it is real. 

 

It is the only thing that is real.

 

If you want to give her an emotional outlet so she doesn’t bottle up her feelings which may one day explode into an Eating Disorder, then listen and learn about her world.  And take it seriously.

 

She’ll only share with you what she wants to share with you.  You can’t force her.  Rather, encourage her by actually listening to her.

 

And then…

 

3.  Remember. 

 

Remember that your perspective is irrelevant to your daughter and, as difficult as this is to accept, it does not matter to her one bit.   

 

Trust that your daughter’s world view is the only world view that makes any difference to her. 

 

You can tell her 1,000 times that she’s beautiful and smart and a wonderful girl or woman.  But if she has developed, even if for completely illogical and inexplicable reasons, a distorted body image which may also mean low self confidence and poor self esteem, your compliments and exhortations to the contrary will fall on deaf ears.

 

In fact, if she’s convinced that she doesn’t look good and you tell her how beautiful she is, she’s likely to think you’re either an idiot or lying to her, neither of which is helpful.

 

If you want to help your daughter prevent or recover from an Eating Disorder, remember that her truth trumps your truth every time. 

 

You needn’t bother trying to figure this out. 

 

But you really ought to remember and accept it.

 

Conclusion – The 3 Magic Words

 

Having said all that, you may think the 3 Magic Words are Communicate, Listen, Remember.

 

They’re not bad as Magic Words if you implement the actions behind them diligently and consistently.

 

But truth be told, they only represent a few specific outward manifestations of the real 3 Magic Words.

 

“I Love You.”

 

Those are the 3 Magic Words.

 

If you really love your daughter (or son), then you can show her you do by making every effort to Communicate with her on an emotional and feeling level. 

 

You can demonstrate just how much you care by Listening to her with your heart and soul as well as with your head. 

 

And, if you really love her you can make that clear to her by Remembering that she has a perspective about her world that may be completely unimaginable to you.  But if you show her that her perspective has value, that you are at least trying to “get it,” and that you respect it, you’ll be showing her that SHE has value and that you respect HER. 

 

How can you help your daughter avoid or recover from an Eating Disorder? 

 

Give her your never ending and non-judgmental support, your heartfelt encouragement, and your unconditional love.

 

She wants attention from you, wants you to care about how she feels, and wants your love.

 

Don’t just say it.  Do it.  Constantly show her through your words and actions…

 

“I Love You.”

 

Three Magic Words. 

 

It’s the best we can do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once again I am happy to treat you to another “Guest Blog” from Dan.

 

________________________________________

 

I Missed That Bulimia Was Consuming Her

 

Even though my daughter has been home from treatment for over a month, as her dad, I still question what I missed as the bulimia was consuming her. 

 

How could it have been going on for four years without me taking it seriously?

 

In 8^th grade, with very little training, my daughter could run a 62 second 400.  She could easily trounce my wife in tennis, and my wife had played at the college level.  She was one of the most natural breast-strokers coaches had seen.  Her shoulders and arms were naturally strong and she could wall-climb with incredible ease. 

 

Over the course of three years, I watched her well-toned, naturally muscular body slowly dissolve before my very eyes. 

 

She lost almost all of her strength and became very lethargic.  By senior year, she could hardly walk a 400 without being exhausted.  Tennis was impossible.  She loved to dance hip-hop.  She enrolled in a class and had to quit because she had no strength.

 

To demonstrate how “out of touch” I was.  When she was a senior in high school, I insisted that she participate in winter track, so she’d be in shape for the spring season.  I wanted her to get in shape because then she would feel better about herself and she would be forced to feed her body. 

 

That seemed logical. 

 

But I forgot about her inner drive.  Instead of starting slowly and building endurance and stamina, my extremely competitive daughter went all out.  Anything less than best, was not acceptable to her. 

 

It still confounds me that she believed she could simply pick-up where she left off 3 years earlier.  Her reputation as an athlete was still important to her.   How could she possibly think she could compete so quickly? 

 

Well…after 3 practices, she was in so much pain that she had to drop out. 

 

I think between the hip-hop lessons and not being able to endure even a small track workout, she finally realized that her body had changed.  Significantly!  And it was not for the better. 

 

What did this realization do for her?  She just slept more.

 

“It Is All About Control”…Or Is It?

 

While getting treatment, we continually heard that bulimia is “all about control”. 

 

“Your daughter feels like her world is out of control and her eating is the only thing she can control.” 

 

Again, the logical, rational part of me could not comprehend that thought process.  “If she is in control of her eating and overall food consumption, why is she ordering her life around it?” 

 

It appeared to me that the eating disorder was controlling her, not the other way around.

 

Did you know that a bulimic will frequent the same restaurant once s/he finds one where they can purge without being noticed?  Familiarity and routine becomes all-consuming.  They plan their activities around the ability to purge. 

 

If my daughter’s friends wanted to try a new food or place to eat, Grace would not join them.  It was too risky.  She wasn’t absolutely sure she’d be able to purge after the meal. 

 

Another little detail about eating will also become evident.  The bulimic will, through a long process of trial and error, discover which foods are easier to throw-up later.  So s/he will begin to limit the type of food they eat. 

 

Also, since “routine” becomes a priority, her daily activities were planned around the convenience of purging. 

 

Again I ask, “Who/What is really in control?”

 

As bulimia continues to become more a part of their life, it consumes a greater amount of    resources – time and money.  Binging and purging takes about 15 – 20 minutes.  If done once a day, it’s not a big problem fitting it in. 

 

My daughter was purging at least 7 times per day. 

 

That’s about 2 full hours per day that she spent nurturing her disorder. 

 

That does not include the shopping time needed to buy food.  The food cost money and the binge/purge routine consumed a large percentage of the limited awake time she had. 

 

But the most undetected time-thief is the constant mental preoccupation with the routine of binging and purging.  This obsession steals otherwise productive time. 

 

Grace could not hold a job.  She found every excuse she could to miss work, leave early, or quit.  The structure and rigid scheduling of a job could not be coordinated with the routine that her disorder demanded.  Something had to be eliminated from her schedule, and it was the job.  It didn’t matter that she needed the income to buy gas, or food, or pot, or clothes. 

 

It didn’t allow her the freedom to binge and purge.  The wages from her job were not more valuable to her than the disorder. 

 

Tell me again how bulimia is about “being in control.”  What a lie!  And yet, the person suffering from this disorder believes s/he is in control.

 

Be Engaged!

 

So why didn’t I take action when I saw all this stuff happening? 

 

My daughter traded her friends, her jobs, her hours of being awake, her school work, her athletics, her joy, and her family relationships for her eating disorder (ED) and the co-addiction with it. 

 

We took her to counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and even checked her into a hospital when she was a threat to herself. 

 

I thought we were doing all we could. 

 

The fact is, I was ignorant about the magnitude of this disorder. 

 

I simply didn’t know what I didn’t know.  That’s not an excuse.  I should have jumped on this thing with both feet early on in the development of it. 

 

Because now I know that if your loved one isn’t showing improvement, they’re getting worse. 

 

Seeing someone once a week cannot off-set the other 6 days of ED having control. 

 

Dads, be engaged! 

 

Don’t leave this up to your spouse or the therapists you’ve chosen. 

 

You can’t check it off and move-on that easily. 

 

Trust me, if you attend to these signs quickly, it will free you up later.

 

Dan DeValk

 

________________________________________

 

Dan, thank you so much for this powerful message.  I appreciate your openness and your insight and know that the Dad-EDs blog readers do to. 

 

By the way, everyone, Dan’s daughter, with buoyed by the incredible love, encouragement, and support of her whole family and a carefully chosen professional recovery team, continues to progress in her recovery.

 

Background/Review

 

This “Mirror, Mirror” series has sort of taken on a life of its own. 

 

When I started I didn’t know it would grow this big – this long.

 

In case you’ve lost track, here’s what I’ve covered so far:

 

1.     Poor body image is directly and proportionally related to poor self esteem and low self confidence.

 

2.     If you daughter (or son) has an Eating Disorder she probably has distorted perception, an inaccurate and distorted body image, and is to some extent detached from reality.

 

3.     Your perception of your daughter’s body, behavior, and mind is pretty much irrelevant to her – only her perception, as reflected back to her through her ED distorted Mirror, matters to her.

 

4.     All of the above make it terribly difficult to communicate with your daughter in any meaningful, helpful, effective way once her ED has set in.   

 

5.     One method you can use to help improve communication (and it is not a universal panacea, just a helpful tool you can use as and when appropriate), is “I Feel…When…Because…I Need.”  (See last post, “Mirror, Mirror – Part II.)  At least if you use this communication method you have a better chance that your daughter will be more receptive to what you have to say, the conversation may become less confrontational, you are forced to identify, communicate, and take responsibility for your own feelings and not blame her for them, it makes you back off from accusations and personal attacks on her, and you set the tone to open up and talk about feelings which underlie her Eating Disorder in the first place.

 

Being able to talk about her feelings (and yours) is important.  Remember through all this, that your daughter is in pain, she is suffering, believes she is inadequate, a failure, undeserving, and feels guilt and shame.  To some extent I think she’s hiding in her Eating Disorder.  She’ll try to hide and deny that she’s in pain or that she has an Eating Disorder, and, most importantly, the whole mess is NOT about food, eating, binging, or purging at all.    

 

It is about a complex combination of emotions and feelings that cause her pain, create chaos for her, and make her feel that her world is out of control. 

 

The disordered eating is her means of easing or diverting the pain and gaining some semblance of control in her chaotic and out of control world. 

 

I know this makes little or no sense to you dads.  Don’t worry about that. 

 

I’ve been researching and studying it as much as possible for a while now, have had the opportunity to speak with many professionals in the field and many ED sufferers, am dealing with my own Anorexic daughter who is pretty open with me and just beginning her personal recovery after over 4 years of private therapy and fresh out of 2 ½ months of intensive inpatient treatment, and it makes no sense to me either.  So don’t worry about that.

 

Fact is, I’ve sort of given up trying to make any real sense of it. 

 

I hear the words.  I understand them.  I believe they’re true.  

 

But make sense?  Nope.  Not really.

 

It is way beyond my realm of experience and comprehension.  And I suspect it is for you other dads, too.   

 

That’s why it is so important for us dads to get and accept, even if we don’t understand, that her perception is all that counts.  That her pain is real.  That she is suffering.  That she would love to get rid of her Eating Disorder but can’t.  She doesn’t know how.

 

What Can You Realistically Do?

 

What can you realistically do to help your daughter in her recovery and healing? 

 

Very little.  Stand on the sidelines and cheer.  Maybe you’ve never been a cheerleader before.  I never was.  Never thought I would be. It’s really frustrating and makes you feel powerless and useless. 

 

But that’s really about all we can do. 

 

Educate yourself.  Learn everything you can about what she’s going through.

 

Give her your unconditional, non-judgmental, and non-critical love, encouragement, and support.

 

Let her know she can talk with you about anything without you getting in her face or on her case, criticizing her, or trying to tell her what to do.

 

Listen a lot.  And always listen from love.

 

Try to be sensitive to her feelings and emotions.

 

Help her get professional help and/or into a treatment facility if appropriate.

 

Now, The Really Big Issue

 

But the big issue is:  Prevention.

 

What can we do to help our daughters avoid developing Eating Disorders in the first place? 

 

For me, it’s too late.  But I want to get this message out to every parent, grandparent, relative, friend, or co-worker who knows someone who has a daughter (or son) that does not yet have an Eating Disorder. 

 

I assume you’d all agree that prevention is better than cure.

 

Can we dads be “Preventionists?”  (I don’t think that’s a word.  It’s not in any of my dictionaries.  So I’m coining it here and now.  It should be a word.)

 

I think we can be, or at least help to be, Eating Disorder Preventionists.  I can’t do it with my Anorexic daughter, but I hope I can help be a Preventionist for others.

 

Remember that EDs are very complex and very complicated.  There is no one universal cause.  It’s not a linear cause-effect disorder.  It’s different for everyone.

 

There may be hundreds or even, I suppose, thousands of influences on your daughter that might contribute to her Eating Disorder.   Genetic.  Social.  Family.  Peer Group.  Societal.  Friends and Enemies.  Perfectionism.  The Media.  The Diet Industry.  The list goes on. 

 

Sadly, there is no one to blame.  Not you.  Not her mom.  Not the idiot second grade “friend” who teased her about being fat.  Not the semi-abusive high school boyfriend who dumped her.  Not the ultra-thin model on this week’s magazine cover.  Not Barbie.  Not Weight Watchers or Nutrisystem. 

 

All of the above may have had an influence on how she came to see herself reflected in her personal mirror, how distorted her body image became, how she lost her self esteem and self confidence, but none, alone, are to blame. 

 

Although there is no specific blame, I believe that if we, as dads (and I’m going to include moms here to), were just a little more aware of the possibility that our kids (daughters and sons) are possible victims of EDs FROM THE TIME THEY ARE BORN, are a bit more aware of the kinds of influences that may contribute to Eating Disorders, and, if we can raise them and parent them, lead our lives as better examples and role models, watch more carefully what we say and do and how we act, then maybe we can have some Preventionist Influence on them.    

 

More specifically, here’s a handy Dad’s Dozen Tips to help you be an Eating Disorder Preventionist:

 

1.  Watch Yourself.

 

Remember that everything you do and say has an influence on your daughter.  You are her male mentor, coach, teacher, and role model.  In her eyes, you are all powerful and all knowing.  Well, at least until she’s about 10 or so. 

 

So watch yourself.

 

I’ve heard that our brains, even before birth and certainly as newborns and babies, retain everything they see and hear.  Not necessarily consciously, but somewhere in the recesses of our children’s minds is every thing you have said to them and everything they’ve seen you do.  (Even if that is not completely true, I suggest you act as though it is.)

 

So it is important to be an excellent role model in every area of your life.  

 

Watch yourself.

 

2.  Equate Food With Nutrition and Health – Not Weight.

 

Even if you could avoid exposing your children to diets at home while they’re very young, unless you ban TV, magazines, friends, and other family members from their lives, they’ll be exposed soon enough. 

 

So you might as well expose them early and talk to them sensibly. 

 

Explain that there are very good reasons for people to be on “diets” or at least to be careful about what and how much they eat.  

 

Diabetics need special diets.  People who are lactose intolerant have to be careful what they eat and drink.  Those with food allergies have to take special precautions about their diets.  Medical patients of all sorts have to follow very precise diet plans.  And the list goes on. 

 

There are plenty of valid reasons for diets of all kinds.  They are not inherently bad or evil.  The problems arise depending on a person’s motivation for them, their expectations for them, and their abuse of them. 

 

My daughter is on a very strict diet that is vital to her life.  It is designed by her treatment team to help her inch back up to a healthy weight and provide her the nutrients she needs to repair (hopefully) the damage she’s done to her liver and kidneys and reverse some brain atrophy.  I can’t think of a single thing wrong with that “diet.”    

 

I’m very careful about my diet because I want to live a long and healthy life and be able to compete athletically the whole time.  At least into my 90’s.

 

So you have to teach your daughter, model it for her, and stress that balance, good nutrition, and good health are the real reasons to eat – or not eat – certain kinds and certain amounts of food.  Make her aware, in other words, of her diet and how important it is that she follows a healthy diet. 

 

Balance and moderation are keys and it’s your responsibility to teach your daughter well from a very early age. 

 

Let them know that some people, who are not as smart as they are, may use diets to try to change how they look, but that the real reasons to eat and drink and maintain an intelligent, healthy “diet” is to maintain good health. 

 

Imprint on their minds that looks are superficial and fleeting, but good health is forever.      

 

Reinforce that in the food and drink world, as in the rest of the world, it’s what’s on the inside, not what’s on the outside, that counts.

 

3.  Encourage Variety and Allow Your Daughter To Make Her Own Food Choices From An Early Age.

 

I’m shocked anew each time I go to the grocery store and notice the size of the aisles where they hawk the snacks and cookies and such.  No matter the store, it’s always at least a whole aisle all by itself.  Nothing else in the store has that much space.  Nothing.

 

The other day I was at a Wal-Mart Superstore and there were 2 monstrous aisles of snacks and cookies.

 

Worse, they were the only 2 aisles in the store that were packed with shoppers.  It was major shopping cart traffic jam in there. 

 

Worse yet, I didn’t notice anyone in those 2 aisles that didn’t have kids with them.

 

I’m not saying chips, snack foods, and cookies are “bad” and I’m not saying they are “good.”  As far as I know, food has no moral character at all.

 

All food, in my view, even the junkiest of the junk food, has its place.  I’m as big on ice cream, cheesecake, and chocolate chip cookies as the next dad. 

 

But in moderation.  Everything in moderation and in balance. 

 

You can explain and model to your daughter that our bodies, via our taste buds and certain natural cravings, sometimes crave Cheetos or cheesecake and that it’s fine to have some.  But not to overdo.  Not because they’re “bad” or “good or because “they’ll make you fat.” 

 

Rather because they have very little nutritional and health value.   They don’t satisfy a core need….just a passing urge.

 

Introduce your kids and encourage them to at least try a wide range of foods.  There are plenty of healthy choices.  Let them experiment and find the ones that satisfy them and work best for them.

 

4.  Avoid Power Struggles Over Food.

 

Trying to make a child, teen, or anyone else eat what he/she doesn’t like or want is a losing proposition.  Besides, there are always plenty of alternative choices.

 

My 8 month old grandson loves his Gerber Rice.  He loves his little strained peas.  Loves his little strained carrots.

 

He hates…I mean really hates…his little strained sweet potatoes. 

 

Why?  Who knows?

 

I’ve watched my older daughter and my son-in-law try to get him to eat his sweet potatoes.  He spits them out.  They hide sweet potatoes in his rice.  He spits it out.  They sneak a dash of sweet potatoes in with the carrots.  He spits it all out. 

 

Dads…can you learn something from this?    

 

My grandson will spit out what he doesn’t want or like and you really can’t force him to eat it.  You cannot win this war even with a tiny infant let alone an older child, so don’t engage it in. 

 

Besides, who cares anyway?  There are plenty of other vegetables to offer him.  He’ll eat those that his body wants/needs/likes.  And he’ll reject others. 

 

Let it go.

 

Same thing as they grow up.  Give your kids lots of healthy choices and they’ll discover what works for them without force, threats, rewards, or punishment.

 

5.  Never Use Food as a Reward or Punishment.

 

Speaking of rewards and punishment, never, ever, ever use food as a reward or punishment.

 

“Eat all your sweet potatoes and you can have a cookie for desert,” should be banned from your vocabulary and thought processes.

 

“If you clean your room you can have ice cream tonight,” is a horrid incentive. 

 

The opposite, too.  “You can’t have any Doritos for a week if you don’t take out the trash right now!”

 

Food is fuel for a healthy, strong, active body.  It is eaten to maintain good health.  It is not about looks, weight, incentives, rewards, or punishments. 

 

And, teach your daughters that it is not an emotional crutch, either.

 

Teach your children this.  Food is about health and nutrition.  Period.

 

Model that and they will at least have a chance to enjoy a healthy relationship with food.

 

6.  Teach Your Daughter Good Nutrition, Instill the Habit, and Model It For Her.

 

This may be the hardest of my Dad’s Dozen Tips to actually accomplish.  Really bad habits may have to be broken to accomplish this. 

 

We live in a fast food, packaged food, processed food, media influenced, and diet prone world. 

 

The majority of us seem to have lost all sense of what good nutrition actually is.  As a nation, we’re obese on the one hand with an epidemic of distorted eating resulting in Anorexia, Bulimia, and other underweight related Eating Disorders skyrocketing on the other hand.

 

The diet industry, about $50 Billion per year strong, couldn’t be happier.  And it is a major cause, in my opinion, of all of the misleading, confusing, and inaccurate information about health and nutrition that we see and hear everywhere in the US.  The more we “diet” the more we have weight related diseases and disorders – both on the overweight and underweight sides of things.

 

So dads, here’s the truth about nutrition, and although there are a million details, the essentials are so simple it scares me that people keep getting this wrong. 

 

Eat lots of fruits and vegetables (carbohydrates), whole grains (carbohydrates), a good mixture of high quality protein, get an adequate amount of fat (safflower oil is great plus some flax seed oil which you can get at any grocery store in pill form), and drink lots of water. 

 

Not so complicated, is it?

 

I’m not suggesting that you need to be fanatical about it or obsessive either.  In fact, the opposite. 

 

What we – all of us – really need to do is stop talking about it, stop “dieting” where the motivation is vanity and appearance, and just quietly set a great example of eating moderate amounts of healthy foods for the sake of our energy, health, and well being. 

 

I know it sounds simple, but the reason I said it might be the hardest of my Dad’s Dozen Tips to implement is because of old habits that you may need to break.

 

If you’re in the habit of sitting down with a bag or bowl of chips and a beer or two (or six) when you get home from work, I hope you will become aware that you are modeling an unhealthy lifestyle.  In essence you’re saying to your daughter, who is watching every move you make like a hawk, “I don’t really care about my health and you don’t need to care about yours, either.  It’s not important.” 

 

That’s a message I hope we dads can reverse.

 

Would you grind up potato chips and replace your car’s oil with ground up chips?  Would you pour beer into the gas tank? 

 

Of course not.  Stupid idea.  To run right…to run at all…your car needs good quality oil and the right kind of fuel.

 

Same with you, like it or not.  

 

If you are outside of the BMI “Healthy” weight range – either too much or too little – you’re telling your daughter, “I don’t really care about my health and you don’t need to care about yours, either.  It’s not important.”

 

On the other hand if you are always bemoaning the fact that you can’t stand your gut or hate to have to move up to a bigger pants size and find yourself going on one scam or commercial diet or another, you’re telling your daughter, “It doesn’t matter that I’m a great person and great dad, smart, kind, and considerate of others…I judge myself and others can and should judge me by my appearance.”

 

Please eat and drink with your health in mind and as a role model for your youngsters.  Don’t be a fanatic.  Allow yourself to indulge and overindulge from time-to-time, too.  You don’t need to be a health “perfectionist.”   Don’t even try. 

 

But generally stick to good healthy food and drink and do so quietly. 

 

Quietly but not silently.  I suggest you do to talk to your daughters about it in the sense that you encourage good health.  Talk about good nutrition.  Talk about how scam and commercial diets can, in and of themselves, become an unhealthy habit, almost never work in the long run, the traps and dangers of developing eating disorders trying to be model thin and starlet perfect, and what a miraculous and wonderful machine your body is.  A machine that runs on healthy food and solid nutritional choices.

 

Fuel it well, maintain it consistently, it talk about it in terms of function rather than appearance.

 

Oh, yeah, and eat as many meals together as you can.  Without TV or other distractions.  It’s a great place to talk about all sorts of things.  A good way to start every family meal is with a “Feelings Check.”  Just go around the table and everyone shares how they are feeling at that moment – generally and/or specifically.  You’ll be amazed at the conversations that evolve from that.

 

When my daughters were growing up, I wasn’t always able to be home for dinner, but I made sure that I made them breakfast and we ate breakfast together virtually every day.  Find a way, dads.

 

7.    Model and Support Overall General Fitness As Part of Good Health.

 

General good fitness means engaging in a reasonable, healthy amount of exercise on a regular basis.  “Exercise” can be as simple as more movement.

 

It means different things to different people. 

 

I know that some of us dads head off to work early in the morning and don’t get home until late in the evening or night.  And whether we do physically demanding work during the work day or more intellectual demanding work, we come home tired and really don’t want to exercise.  And on the weekends we have certain chores and responsibilities, want to kick back and watch a game or two on TV, and poof, before you know it, what we model to our children (remember, they don’t see you at work) is lethargy.

 

That was not an issue with me and my daughters.  We were always pretty active in leisure activities, vacations, and competitive sports. 

 

But I see many men who become sedentary which is a poor role model for their children who it seems, often become quite sedentary, too. 

 

So I simply encourage you to go out and do things with your daughters.  Get outside.  When you get home from work and on the weekends, make time, if only 10 or 15 minutes, to go out and take a walk with your daughter.  Starting from as soon as they can walk.  Even before that, take them out in their strollers. 

 

And tell them that their bodies were made for activity.  Imprint on them that all movement…any movement…is better than no movement.

 

Again, I’m not suggesting fanaticism or extremism.  Over-exercise is a disorder in and of itself and just as dangerous, if not more dangerous, than no exercise. 

 

But good general fitness and health requires a reasonable minimum amount of exercise. 

 

So I implore you dads to model it and encourage your daughters to exercise with you…even if it is nothing more than a regular walk together. 

 

8.  Show and Treat Your Wife (Her Mom) and All Women With Respect. 

 

Dads, you are the first and longest lasting example and role model for your daughter regarding all things male.  How males behave and how they should behave.  You’re it.  Take it seriously.

 

If you are disrespectful to women – objectify them in any way – make disparaging remarks about women – tell “Dumb Blond” jokes – anything like that, your daughter is going to soak it up like a sponge. 

 

And what’s the message you’re giving her through your disrespectful comments and behaviors?   

 

That girls and women don’t deserve respect.

 

So when her body image starts to go a little off kilter and she’s maybe questioning her self esteem and self confidence, she’ll know from somewhere in the recesses of her mind that “Dad doesn’t think women deserve respect, I’m a woman so it’s no wonder no one respects me, I don’t deserve it either.” 

 

See the problem? 

 

Even if you’re only kidding, a young girl and even a teenager may not “get” the joke at all. 

 

So please set an A+ example of always showing respect for women.  That’s the model you want and need your daughter to internalize.  That women, and she, in particular, deserves and has YOUR respect.

 

9.  Show Respect for Your Body – Don’t Belittle or Berate It.

 

If you look in your mirror and say, “Geez…I wish I could get rid of this ugly fat gut,” you are sending a negative message and, perhaps, a message of body image futility to your daughter. 

 

“I wish I didn’t have my grandpa’s stubby legs,” sends the same kind of message.

 

Get a hair transplant and you’re telling your daughter that there is something wrong with bald people.

 

Ask yourself this.  Assume your daughter is 6 or 8 years old.  Not yet too badly influenced by “the world.” 

 

Does she love you just the same with your fat gut, stubby legs, and balding head?

 

Of course. 

 

Would she love and respect you more if you were thinner, had longer legs, or a full head of thick wavy hair?

 

Of course not.  Clearly absurd.

 

She doesn’t care one teensy weensy bit what you look like.  As long as you love her and nurture her and provide her with the physical and emotional support she craves, I promise you she doesn’t care what you look like.  (Well, when she’s a teenager you’ll embarrass her not matter what – but she’ll outgrow that.)

 

So I say if she doesn’t care what you look like, neither should you. 

 

Your body is your body.  Naturally I encourage you to keep it strong and healthy, eat nutritiously, and get out and exercise.  That’s common sense and minimal good health practice.

 

But don’t make a big deal out of it.  And for gosh sakes don’t make it about your appearance.

 

You can stay in shape and dress nicely and be clean and well groomed.  In fact, you should.  As a role model, you should.

 

But without a lot of hoopla. 

 

Teach her by example that every body is a great body.  For what it does…not what it looks like on the outside. 

 

In fact, it’s a darned miracle that our bodies can do all they do and can survive all the abuse we put them through. 

 

How they look is so insignificant compared to how they work it’s laughable.

 

Make that the point with your children.

 

10.  Avoid Negative Statements About Anyone’s Weight, Body Shape, Or Size.

 

OK, I’m guilty.

 

I confess.

 

I can’t give you any specific examples, but I am 100% sure I made jokes or disparaging remarks about other people’s weight, body shape, and size in front of (and probably to) my daughters as they were growing up.

 

I still have to catch myself to not do it now. 

 

I implore you to not make the same mistake.

 

“Whoa,” I might have said, “Aunt Susie must have gained a couple of hundred pounds since we saw her at Easter.  And did you see her sneaking 3 pieces of cake?   Zero self control.”

 

“Look at poor little Billy,” I probably pointed out.  “He’s got those short fat legs that run in the Jones side of the family.  Fat thighs forever.  And, he’ll be lucky if he makes it to 5 foot 6, poor kid.”

 

“Look at that lady over there…she’s about as ugly as they come.  Wouldn’t you hate to be her daughter?  Her face looks like a prune.”

 

Who knows what I might have said over the years?  Stuff like that most likely.  Some tongue in check, some observations, most judgmental even if exaggerated. 

 

And judgmental based on looks and appearance alone.

 

Big mistake.

 

Now I know better. 

 

I hope you do, too. 

 

These are the kinds of things that your daughter will internalize.  This is what will influence her to judge herself based on her looks.  And if her ability to judge her own looks becomes distorted and detached from reality, the results can be disastrous…even deadly.

 

11.  Communicate With Your Daughter and Make Sure To Talk To Her About Her Feelings – Even If You’re Uncomfortable Doing So.

 

You are the one of the key authority figures in your daughter’s life. Her mom is the other.

 

But you’re probably the main disciplinarian in the family (often the dad’s role more than the mom’s).  As such, you need to be assertive and strict and make and enforce rules. 

 

And, as the traditional “head of household,” even if only by title, you may be gone off to work during much of your daughter’s growing up time. 

 

Plus, moms and daughters traditionally bond more on an emotional level than we dads and daughters do.  We’re traditionally cast in the role of more intellectual, logical, and real world bonding agents.  (Same with sons – moms and sons bond on a more emotional basis.  Dads and sons at a different level.)

 

All of these traditional hats we dads are expected to wear can make it difficult for us to communicate effectively with our daughters at all, let alone at the emotional and feelings level.

 

That’s exactly why, I believe, when we acknowledge that our daughter is suffering with an Eating Disorder our immediate “fix it” dad response is “eat more.” 

 

That’s exterior.  That’s logical.  That’s rational.  We typically deal with our daughters on a superficial, exterior level.  And it’s really unfortunate because the eating and thinness (the exterior parts) are only symptoms of the real ED issues which are all emotionally based (the interior parts). 

 

If we haven’t learned to communicate on that  internal/emotional/feelings level, it may be too late.

 

Start today, whether your daughter is 3 days old, 3 years old, 13, 30….it doesn’t matter…try to get in touch with and become respectful of her feelings and emotions. 

 

It’s actually not that hard.  As soon as she’s old enough to talk, ask her how she feels. 

 

And don’t let her get away with “fine,” “good,” or “OK.”  Those are not feelings. 

 

“Anxious,” “afraid,” “excited,” “happy,” “nervous,” “optimistic,” are feelings. 

 

And, the best way to get her talking about her feelings is for you to talk about yours. 

 

I know that is a lot to ask from many of you. 

 

Me included.

 

Other than to constantly say, “I love you” and “I’m proud of you” as my daughters were growing up, I doubt I ever expressed my feelings about anything to them or about them. 

 

I certainly told them what and how I thought about anything and everything.  But how I felt…not so much. 

 

I’m not sure if I even knew how I felt about things.  And when I had some sense that I might have felt insecure or hurt or inadequate or nervous or scared – or even really excited and happy – I didn’t reveal those things emotions.  I kept them under control and in check.  I didn’t let those emotions show or, god forbid, talk about them. 

 

After all, I was the dad.  Supposed to be the strong one.  Perfect and perfectly in control in every way…including emotionally. 

 

That’s the role I thought I was supposed to play and portray.  And I played it to the best of my ability.

 

Don’t make the same mistake. 

 

Perfectionism and hiding or “stuffing” emotional hurts and traumas are two of the most common and prevalent characteristics of people with Eating Disorders. 

 

So I was modeling two of the key characteristics of people who develop Eating Disorders.  “Perfectly” hiding and masking my own emotions and feelings. 

 

At the same time, I didn’t give my daughters an emotional outlet, either. 

 

Although I can’t remember a specific incident, I’m pretty sure they must have tried to express their emotions and feelings to me as they were growing up.  But they probably stopped at some point because they’d have found an unsympathetic and un-empathetic ear.

 

“You’re scared to go to pre-school tomorrow?  Yeah?  So?  You’ll be fine.” 

 

“You’re upset because Susie said you were fat.  Yeah?  So?  She’s an idiot.  Remember sticks and stones…”

 

 “You’re nervous about your test on Friday?  Yeah?  So?  Study more.”

 

“You’re hurt because your boyfriend dumped you and you don’t know what’s wrong with you…why he’d do that?  Yeah?  So?  Forget it.  He’s a jerk anyway.  Move on.  Plenty of fish in the sea.”

 

 

I suspect, in retrospect, that I didn’t want to engage in emotional/feelings conversations because I felt inadequate and ill equipped to offer emotional help and thus avoided such discussions to hide my own ignorance, insensitivity, and vulnerability.

 

As it turns out, I didn’t need to have any answers.  All I needed to do was listen and show that I cared about their emotions and feelings by listening.  Show them respect for those emotions/feelings and be a little sensitive to their perspective about what they were experiencing in their world.  Let them know I supported their emotional selves as well as their physical selves.

 

Don’t misunderstand.  I’m not taking blame for my daughter’s Anorexia.  I certainly didn’t cause it. 

 

And if you are like me and your daughter has or develops and ED, it’s not your fault, either. 

 

The vast array of influences that add up, multiply, and underlie EDs are way more complex and complicated than a dad’s lack of emotional sensitivity and support.

 

But could I have done it better? 

 

Absolutely.

 

Would it have made a difference? 

 

I don’t know.  Maybe.

 

I only wish I knew then what I know now.  I would have done it differently. 

 

 

12.  Educate Yourself and Get Help If and When Needed.

 

I guess this should go without saying, but I think I better say it anyway.

 

Educate Yourself.

 

Educate yourself about EDs, body image, and self esteem.  I’m attempting in my blog to help you so you don’t have to read and research as much as I have and so you don’t have to learn the hard lessons I’ve learned and am learning from my own experiences and mistakes.  But please take it upon yourself to educate yourself about whatever you can do to become an ED Preventionist. 

 

Educate yourself about nutrition.  Do not listen to anyone or rely on any “diet” book or program that someone is trying to sell you.  One good resource is to go to the FDA’s Dietary Guidelines for Americans – they aren’t trying to sell you anything.  The “Guidelines” is about 84 pages long and gets pretty detailed, but there is a good “Executive Summary” that’s about 5 pages and will give you all the basics you need to start.  You can get the Executive Summary by itself by Clicking Here. 

 

And also, for a personalized nutritional plan based on the Guidelines, go to The Department of Agriculture’s personalized Food Pyramid Planning Site. 

 

If you doubt these are good resources, be advised that during her nutritional and dietary classes and educational programs at Remuda Ranch, while re-teaching my daughter how to eat healthy and regain and positive relationship with food, my daughter was taught most of her essential health and nutritional principles from the Dietary Guidelines and Food Pyramid.

 

Educate yourself about healthy weights for you and your daughter.  Weight is sort of a taboo subject with many ED sufferers and ED Awareness Advocates.  But I think you need to know the general ranges of what might be a healthy weight range (and the ranges are quite broad) for you and your daughter.  At least as a starting point or reference point.

 

Body Mass Index is the standard used by most physicians today.  It’s certainly not perfect and there are exceptions for every rule.  But it’s accepted enough in the scientific community that Clinical Anorexia is defined as less than 85% of a person’s “healthy weight” or “normal weight.”  I’ve seen it expressed both ways.  As best I can tell (and I am open to correction on this point) that means less than 85% of the lowest end of “Healthy Weight” based on BMI.  There is a BMI Chart and Calculator Here. 

 

One of my daughter’s dietary goals, working with her professional recovery team, is to get her weight back up into the “Healthy” BMI range.  So I think BMI is something important to educate yourself about. 

 

Educate yourself about anything I’ve mentioned above or anything that I’ve mentioned that triggers another thought or area that you think has importance in your life as it relates to your daughter’s physical and emotional health and well being. 

 

And, perhaps most importantly, if you ever have even a minor inclination that you need some help or advice, ask for it.  Go get it.  For starters you can go to the National Eating Disorders Association Web Site and click on Information & Resources, or call them for help, advice, and assistance at their Information and Referral Helpline at 800.931.2237.

 

I’ve learned the hard way that asking for help is not a sign of weakness.  On the contrary, it is a sign of strength. 

 

Raising strong, self confident, healthy daughters with a realistic, positive body image through all the stages of their maturing and development is no easy task. 

 

Certainly not for us dads who are, in many ways, very ill equipped for the job.  So if at any time you feel you’re in over your head, even a tiny bit, ask for help.

 

If not for your sake, for your daughter’s.

 

The Bottom Line

 

Our daughters with Eating Disorders typically have a distorted body image, low self esteem, and impaired self confidence.

 

It is very difficult to effectively help them once their ED has set in.  Even basic communication with them can be a struggle at that point because of their tendency toward denial and detachment from reality.

 

Thus, if there is anything at all you can do to prevent or help your daughter avoid the ED land mines that she will have to face and deal with in her life and help her develop a healthy, realistic body image, strong self esteem, and unquestionable self confidence, you are well advised to get on the stick and do it.  Sooner rather than later.

 

I’ve given you a Dad’s Dozen Dad Tips that I think are important based on my own experience and observations. 

 

No doubt there are hundreds of others, and I’m open to all input and suggestions on that subject.  Let me know via email or in the Comments Section to this post.

 

If you do everything that I’m suggesting here and do it perfectly, it is no guarantee your daughter will avoid developing and Eating Disorder.  As I’ve said, EDs are beyond any one cause.  You, alone, do not have the power to cause them or prevent them.  Whatever you do or don’t do while raising your daughter, you are not to blame if your loved one does develop and ED.

 

Nevertheless, I urge you to do whatever you can to become an effective ED Preventionist.

 

We can all sit around and bombard and criticize the media, the diet industry, and Mattel for Barbie’s unrealistic female proportions all day long.  But they, alone, are not to blame, either.  Are they contributing influences?  Probably.

 

But the responsibility for arming our daughters to flourish safe and sound amid the inevitable, subtle, and overt messages they will face in our world is ours.  Yours and mine. 

 

It starts in our living rooms, kitchens, and backyards.  Make no mistake about it.  It is unlikely we’ll change the media or the diet industry. 

 

We can, however, very quickly and simply change how we good we are as role models and what and how we teach our children.  That is our responsibility and no one else’s.  It is your responsibility as “The Dad.”

 

I know, speaking solely for myself, that I cannot, will not, and do not blame myself nor harbor and guilt over the fact that my beautiful, wonderful, smart, active, courageous daughter was overcome and overwhelmed by her Eating Disorder.    

 

At the same time, I wish I’d have known as she was growing up what I know now about Eating Disorders, body image issues, and a daughter’s perceptions, perspective, and view of her world.    

 

If so, I’d have done some things differently.  Not extremely differently I don’t think.  Not dramatically differently.  I don’t think I was a horrific role model. 

 

But I know now that I could have been better.

 

And had I known then what I know now, had I been more aware of and sensitive to the potential of my daughter developing and Eating Disorder, had I been more proactive when she first began exhibiting early signs and symptoms, had I been more sensitive and tuned in to her emotional pain and perspective, had I…had I…had I…

 

Would it have ended up differently for her?  I’ll never know.  She’ll never know.

 

But if I could have the chance I might like to try it over again.  Better this time.  Better informed.  Better educated.  Smarter.  Certainly more sensitive to her view of her life, her feelings, her perspective, her world.

 

Unfortunately I will never have that chance.  What is done can’t be undone.

 

But if you have a daughter or son who does not yet suffer from an Eating Disorder, you do have that chance.  The chance to do it better than I did.

 

Please use that chance wisely for yourself, for your family, and especially for your loved one. 

 

I hope and pray that none of you ever have to hear the words I heard last December from my daughter’s doctor, “Your daughter will die soon if she doesn’t’ get immediate, intensive, inpatient treatment for her Eating Disorder…” 

 

“Will die soon…” being the operative words. 

 

Review/Background

 

In my last post, Mirror, Mirror On The Wall - Part I, I showed you that:

 

1.     There is typically a Direct, Proportional link between our daughters’ perceptions of their body image and their self esteem.  If they hate their bodies, they generally dislike themselves, have a sense of unworthiness, have poor self esteem, and low self confidence.

 

2.     If our daughters are beginning to be impacted by an Eating Disorder or are suffering from one, they are likely to have a distorted perception of how they look and what they should look like.  They look in their mirror and see something completely different from what you see.  The Evil Witch (in this case her Eating Disorder) hiding inside that mirror tells her she looks ugly and shows her a reflection that is detached from reality.   

 

3.     Your daughter will always believe what her mirror tells her as opposed to what you tell her.  Your perception means nothing to her in dealing with her ED.  The only thing that matters is HER perception of things and her perception is greatly influenced by her Eating Disorder which is always lurking there in her Mirror.

 

Since your daughter may be detached from reality, have a distorted perception and negative view of how she looks, suffer from low self esteem and self confidence, will not listen to you, believe you, or trust you if you tell her she’s beautiful, you, her loving, caring, concerned dad, are going to have a hell of a hard time talking to her about any of this in the first place.

 

Actually getting through to her and doing some good is a monumental undertaking.

 

It’s doubly hard because her perception and how it impacts her life makes absolutely no sense to you.  You don’t see it.  You won’t figure it out.  You can’t use logic.  You can’t make her feel good about her looks and herself no matter how badly you want to, how hard you try, or what you say.  You can’t force it.  You can’t bully her into it.  You can’t fix it.

 

You will be frustrated by how difficult this is. 

 

Because you love her and want her to be happy, healthy, and have a wonderful life, you will be tempted and may try to dictate some sort of quick fix, tell her what to do, pressure her into getting hold of herself…maybe even discipline or punish her for her distorted eating behaviors (depending on her age, of course). 

 

Please resist those temptations.  Every one of us dads has to live with our own demons, frustration, fear, and pain when this happens to our daughters and our families.    

 

And make no mistake.  If one loved on in your family suffers from an Eating Disorder, the whole family has to live with it, suffer with it, and deal with it, too. 

 

Introduction

 

So with that little review and background in mind, do you feel like just throwing up your hands and giving up?

 

Don’t.  Not ever.  Your daughter is too precious and if she is on the precipice or in the throws of an Eating Disorder, she needs you more than ever before.  (This applies to sons, too, with EDs.  Male EDs are skyrocketing.  And as long as I’m on the subject, although I “talk” to dads, everything I say applies equally to moms, siblings, other family members, friends, co-workers…everyone.  I just use “dads” and “daughters” because I am a dad with a daughter with an Eating Disorder so that’s where my perspective originates.  But I don’t mean to be literally restrictive in that.  This is for everyone.) 

 

There is always hope and there are positive things we dads can do.

 

I’m going to quickly go through some negatives to avoid if possible and also some positive things and ways to more effectively talk to your daughter.

 

I’ll divide it up: 

 

1.     Communicating with daughters with EDs.  I’ll cover this in this post.

2.     Communicating with daughters before you can even imagine that an Eating Disorder is conceivable.  I’ll save that for the next post since this one is already getting longish and I’ve only just started. 

 

Before proceeding, here are a few “precautionary notes.” 

 

I am not a professional.  I am not an expert.  I have no training in the ED field other than on the job training – my own experiences with my daughter.  Ongoing, by the way.  Plus a lot of reading and research and talking with as many professionals and ED sufferers as will talk with me.

 

Also, you have to take the tips I’m providing here and use your brain to apply them to your own situation….your own daughter and family.  Every ED is different.  Just as our daughters are different, so their disorders are different….with different causes, effects, and unique symptoms.  EDs are very complex, complicated, and individual. 

 

So take from this post whatever you think has value to you and use it intelligently and modified appropriately for your situation with your loved one.

 

That includes being age specific.  You will deal with a 6 or 8 year old differently than a 25 year old.  But I think the basic principles of what I’m saying here are fairly universal.  And effective communication can’t start too early.

 

I’ve said this in many previous blogs and if you follow me you’ll probably hear me say it a million more times, but you cannot fix your daughter’s Eating Disorder, her negative body image, her low self esteem, or her lack of self confidence.  

 

Nothing I’m writing here is intended to “fix” anything. 

 

I advise you to get your daughter and your family to a professional team – psychologist, dietician, and MD, at the minimum, all with ED experience – and/or into a treatment program sooner rather than later. 

 

My intent here is to help you learn to communicate better with your daughter so that she knows you actually care about her and her disorder, that you are at least trying to understand it from her point of view, and that you are there to support her with your unconditional encouragement and love as she battles that nasty ED voice that talks to her from inside her Mirror.      

 

I believe that’s the most you can do for her.  The best you can do for her.

 

Pain & ED’s Power

 

If your daughter is currently suffering with an Eating Disorder you can be certain that she is in pain.  Emotional pain.  She is suffering.  Something in her life, heart, mind, or soul – more likely a combination – has somehow been damaged and is broken.  She may feel that her whole life is in chaos and out of control.  Her disordered eating is a bizarre way (bizarre from our dad’s perspective) for her to gain some control in her life and deal with, ease, or at least divert some of her pain.

 

She is probably burdened with much guilt and shame.  (See my blog post dated April 15, 2009 for a discussion and explanation of the differences between guilt and shame.)

 

Remember that she did not get her Eating Disorder intentionally.  She may be as mystified by it as you are.  She doesn’t want it.  She would probably give anything to get rid of it - but she can’t.  She doesn’t know how.

 

Her Eating Disorder, “ED,” has control of much of her life.  Perhaps almost all of it.  ED makes her do things she doesn’t like, isn’t proud of, and that are self destructive. 

 

At some level, I believe, she knows she’s being self destructive but she can’t help herself because ED has control and has caused her to believe that the self destructive behaviors are better than the alternatives of suffering the pain and feeling helplessly out of control of her world.  In her mind and in her perception she is failing at life.  At least her ED (from her distorted perception) diverts some of the pain and gives her control of her eating and her health, even if the result is negative.  At least it is in her control.

 

Actually, it is not in her control.  It is in ED’s control, but she is incapable of seeing that distinction.

 

When you talk to her you must realize that you are talking to her, your lovely, honest, smart daughter, but you are also talking to ED. 

 

ED will want to control the conversation and the situation. 

 

And ED is a clever and evil S.O.B. to deal with.

 

If you say things to your daughter in ways that ED doesn’t like, that ED doesn’t want her to hear, or that may interfere with ED’s control of her, he will convince her that you are wrong, that you are lying, that you are untrustworthy, that you are uncaring, that you don’t “get” her or her struggle at all, that you don’t care about her, that you don’t love her, and that you are the enemy. 

 

No matter what you say, ED will try to turn it against you.

 

But that is no reason to remain silent.  The worst thing you can do is ignore the problem and live in denial. 

 

Take it from me.  I did that. 

 

It’s not that I was in denial that my daughter had an Eating Disorder.  I knew she wasn’t eating enough because she got skinny as a rail and always wore clothes that hid her body.  I don’t think I saw her arms or legs for 4 or 5 years at one point.

 

My denial was centered on not taking it seriously.  In my mind it was not really such a big deal because, after all, all she had to do was eat more and she’d be OK.  This, to me, didn’t seem especially difficult and certainly not serious. 

 

She was seeing a psychologist and nutritionist weekly.  I figured that was enough, if not overkill.  I’d ask her how her appointments were and she’d say good and I’d leave it at that.

 

That was pretty much the full extent of our conversations about her Eating Disorder for a number of years. 

 

Lost years as it turns out and as she continued to starve herself to the brink of death.

 

Please don’t make the same mistakes I did. 

 

Talk To Your Daughter

 

Talk to your daughter.  You don’t have to walk on egg shells.  I think I did that to some extent, but for me it was more just not talking about it at all.

 

In reality you can and, I believe, should say whatever is on your mind.  But you have to do it the right way.  And when I say the “right way,” I mean in a way that has a chance of having a positive effect on your daughter.  The wrong way will have a negative impact. 

 

There is no single “right way.”  I don’t know the “right way” for you and your daughter.  We’re all different, our loved ones are all different, and our relationships with them are all different.

 

But here are some general guidelines that you may find helpful.

 

1.     Speak to your daughter from love.

2.     Speak the truth as you see it, recognizing she has a right to and may disagree.

3.     Speak to her from encouragement, support, kindness, and at least an attempt at understanding her pain.

4.     Speak to her without attack, judgment, criticism, or blame.

5.     Speak to her with an awareness that ED will do everything he can to pervert what you say and turn it and your daughter against you.

6.     Listen to her.  Do whatever you can to “get” her perspective.  Be sensitive to her feelings and emotions. 

 

Examples of ED’s Power & Ways NOT to Say Things

 

Remembering that you are talking to both your daughter and her personal ED, here are some topics and ways of saying things that you might want to be careful about.  I’m only going to throw out a few examples here so you can see how the most innocent things you may say may be perverted by ED and/or her perspective which, don’t forget, is likely to be detached from reality. 

 

You may think you’re being completely positive and encouraging from your point of view if you say something like, “You’re looking better.  Have you gained a little weight?” 

 

You’re being a clever dad and subtly implying that gaining weight, for her, would be a good thing and would help her to look better and be healthier, right?  Perfectly logical.  I probably did the same thing. 

 

However, your daughter and ED are hearing those seemingly complimentary and encouraging words and they are thinking from their point of view, “You cannot possibly gain weight AND look better for god’s sake.  That’s an oxymoron so Dad must be a moron.  Plus, he can only see what’s on the outside.  He doesn’t care about how I feel…how much pain I’m in…the chaos I’m trying to live through?  Proving, as I’ve always known, that my dad doesn’t get me at all.  If he cared about me he’d know.  And he said I’m ‘looking better?’  Does he judge me solely by how I look?  And looking better than what?  He must have thought I was really ugly.  Or is he implying I’m still really ugly?  I better lose some more weight.  Then I’ll look better and maybe then I can really get his attention.”

 

Dads, I’m not kidding about this.  I know it is impossible to understand how your innocent comment could illicit such a negative reaction, but trust me, it can and will.

 

How about this one?  “I think you look too thin.”

 

Again, although this is a negative comment, you’re being honest which is always good, right?  And it’s a pretty innocuous criticism.  Just an observation, really.   You’re just being open.  Telling the truth.  What’s wrong with that?

 

What’s wrong is that your daughter and ED, detached from reality, may not hear this as a criticism, but rather as a compliment.  They’re thinking, “Wow, Dad noticed me.  I want to be thin and he’s noticed that I’m getting there.  That’s pretty awesome.  Wait ‘till I lose some more of this ugly fat.  I’ll really get his attention and lots more compliments then.”

 

See what’s happening? 

 

OK, what can be wrong with this?  “You look happier today.”

 

Your daughter and ED may interpret this innocent comment something like this.  “There goes dad. Always judging me by how I look.  To him everything is about what’s on the outside without a care in the world for how I am inside.  That’s where I hurt.  Sure, I can put on a happy mask.  I can make myself ‘…look happier…’  But is how I look – happy or sad - the only thing he cares about?  How he measures my success?  Can’t I ever be more to him than what I look like?”

 

Here’s a classic dad type comment.  I don’t think I ever did this one (at least I sincerely hope not) but I have no doubt that millions and millions of dads have said this or something quite like it.  “This is ridiculous, you’ve gone far enough now, you’re making me crazy with this, so get a grip on yourself and start eating like a normal person.”

 

I hope by now I don’t have to go into any detail about what your daughter and ED are going to think about you if you approach them with this kind of attitude.  If you talk to your ED suffering daughter like this, you may lose her entirely.  Even if you are talking to her from a place of love and concern, I hope you can see that this approach will have a horribly negative impact on her and may impede her recovery or accelerate her decline.

 

It’s probably the most natural thing in the world for us dads to do.  Even well informed, we may not be able to avoid saying things like that.    

 

But if you want to be helpful, avoid doing so.  It will push your daughter away from you at the very time in her life when she needs you the most. 

 

Those are just a few examples of some “don’ts.”  A few subjects and ways of saying things that may have effects on your daughter that are the opposite of your intent.  Though only a few examples, I hope you get the idea.

 

On The Positive Side

 

So what can/should you say?  Or how can you be honest, open, and say what’s on your mind so it results in the positive impact you intend?

 

You can say anything you want, even all of the above, if you do it in love, encouragement, and support and if you use the “I Feel…When…Because…I Need” communication technique.

 

I detailed the technique (which I learned at Family Week at Remuda Ranch during my daughter’s inpatient treatment program) on my post dated April 2, 2009.  If you’re not familiar with it, I urge you to go back and read it and implement it in your daily life, especially with your daughter.  If you are familiar with it, review it, practice it, use it. 

 

Let’s go back now and look at each of the sample statements from above and put them in the “I Feel…” structure and see how that may change the daughter/ED perception of what you’re trying to communicate.

 

The Old Way:  “You’re looking better.  Have you gained a little weight?”

 

Change To:  “I feel very excited and happy when you eat a little healthier and you put on a little more weight because I know you’re struggling with a lot of issues in your life right now, having a lot of difficulty eating in a healthy way…many things we haven’t talked about and that I may not understand.  But I love you more than anything and only want you to be healthy and happy.  I’m not sure how I can help you with that or with your struggles, but I need you to talk to me openly and let me know if there is anything at all that I can do for you.  I promise not to judge or criticize.  I only want to help you if I can.  Is that OK with you?”

 

See the difference? 

 

The Old Way:  “I think you look too thin.”

 

Change To:  “I feel scared when I see you loosing more weight because I’m afraid you’re going to get sick.  I realize there is a lot of pressure for women to stay extremely lean these days and I have no problem with that as long as you stay healthy.  I know you are having some real difficulties in your life right now and going through a lot, but I need you to promise me that you’ll do everything you can to make your health a strong priority.  That means talking to me about it, too.  I promise to help you in any way that I can.  Do you think you can do that?”

 

The Old Way:  “You look happier today.”

 

Change To:  “I feel optimistic and hopeful when I can sense that you’re feeling better about yourself and when you feel better – stronger – on the inside, it actually shows on the outside, too.  I can see it.  I hope you really are feeling better because I know you’re going through a tough struggle right now.  I don’t claim to understand it, but I need you to try to be honest with me about it and open up with me and maybe there’s some way I can be helpful.  I’ll at least promise to try.  Does that make sense to you?”

 

 

The Old Way:  “This is ridiculous, you’ve gone far enough now, you’re making me crazy with this, so get a grip on yourself and start eating like a normal person.”

 

Change To:  (This one is a little tougher because it comes from such an ignorant and insensitive perspective to start with, but let’s give it a try.) 

 

“I feel frustrated and even kind of angry when you continue on your path of not eating (or binging and purging or whatever the situation warrants).  I noticed last night you were just moving your food around at dinner.  The reason is because I love you so much and want you to have a great life.  That’s all.  And I don’t understand why you can’t eat in a more healthy way like the rest of the family.  I need you to talk to me about this and explain it to me so maybe I can understand it better and help you in some way if you can’t look after your health better on your own.  I need you to at least promise me you’ll try.  Can you do that?”

 

Key Points

 

First, notice that in all the Change To’s, the formula, “I Feel…When…Because…I Need” is followed exactly and yet it doesn’t sound like dad is following a formula at all.  It comes out quite naturally.  It’s a perfectly normal way to talk.  If you weren’t aware of it and I didn’t bold & italicize the words, you wouldn’t notice that all four examples follow the exact same pattern. 

 

That’s why this communication skill (for which I am eternally grateful to Remuda Ranch) is so easy to use.  I’ve found it to be very powerful and effective in all my business and personal relationships and especially in communicating with my daughter. 

 

Second, notice that in each Change To, dad is taking 100% responsibility for his own feelings.  He is not saying “YOU make me feel angry, frustrated, optimistic, etc.”  Do not give your daughter or let her think she has that much responsibility for you.  You are responsible for your feelings, not her.  She has enough problems of her own without you trying to make her responsible for your feelings or trying to shame or guilt her.

 

Third, notice that the “When” part of the formula is designed to make the conversation specific…about a specific event or series of events or behaviors.  Trying to have intelligent conversations with anyone about generalities is difficult at best and leads to many misunderstandings and much animosity.  Trying to do it with a loved one with an ED is futile.  So always keep things as specific as possible.  The more specific, the better.

 

Fourth, the “Because” element gives you the chance to explain what is behind your feelings and gives you the opportunity to specifically express that you care about her, her health, her recovery, her struggles, her pain, etc.  It is very important that she hears these things from you on an ongoing basis.  It helps put your feelings in perspective for her and justifies them so she can’t so easily write them off as just empty words with no meaning. 

 

Finally, the “I Need” part is designed to make a quite specific request of your daughter – hopefully to get a commitment from her.

 

And, although not part of the formula as I learned it, I always end with a question of commitment or understanding.  “Does that make sense?”  “Can you see my point of view?”  Will you promise to try?”  “Can I count on you for that much, at least?”  Anything along those lines to at least elicit a response, get a feel for if she understands what you’re trying to communicate, specifically ask for a commitment requiring some action – or at least thought – on her part, and hopefully, open the door for a true dialogue and keep the conversation going.

 

Bottom Line

 

I hope this gives you dads some food for thought about simple ways to open up some positive communication with your ED afflicted daughters.

 

It won’t “fix” anything, but it may help.  Professional advice/treatment is recommended sooner rather than later.  Later can literally mean too late and death. 

 

Remember that if your daughter is on the precipice of an Eating Disorder, is a short or long time sufferer, or even if she is in the recovery process, she is experiencing pain and uncertainty and is probably scared.  She’s detached from reality, her body image is distorted and negative, she has poor self esteem, and low self confidence. 

 

What she eats, how often she purges, and how she looks are not the real issues at all – they are only means of control, ways to divert pain, and symptoms we dads can see. 

 

To get beyond those visible signs and symptoms, we need to talk with our daughters.  From their perspective. 

 

When your daughter looks in the mirror she sees (and hears from ED) things you cannot even imagine.  The more aware you are that she sees things quite differently than you, the more sensitive you can become to her reality, the more you are willing to educate yourself and learn about her disorder, then the more effective you can be at communicating with her in ways that at least have some hope of creating a positive effect. 

 

It is not easy and nothing I’ve said here is foolproof.  ED is a tricky son-of-a-gun.  Expect deception, lies, and broken promises.  Not every conversation will be fruitful and many will be disastrous.   

 

Keep trying.  Keep working at it. 

 

Never give in to ED and never give up hope on your daughter and her recovery. 

 

I feel honored, enthused, excited, and optimistic when I’m able to provide this sort of information to you dads because we, as a group, are typically the most insensitive and ignorant about our daughter’s EDs, and yet, whether we realize it or not, we generally have a strong influence on them.  So I need you dads to open your minds and hearts to your daughters’ sufferings, open sensitive, understanding, encouraging, supportive, and loving conversations with them, and remove your criticism, judgment, and blame.  Can you do that?  Both you and your daughter will be better off.  It may even save her life.

 

There is so much more I’d love to share, but this is way, way too long as it is.  I believe it is so important though and worth the time for me, at least, to put it out there for you in the hope that it is important enough for you and worth your time to read, consider, and implement.

 

And I welcome - in fact encourage - all comments from ED sufferers, professionals, dads, moms, and everyone else to correct me if I’m wrong about any of this and to let others benefit from your own experiences and insights.  Just click on the “Comment” link, below.  Thanks.

 

Next Time

 

Next time, in Mirror, Mirror On The Wall – Part III – the final Mirror installment - I’m going to address what we dads can do from an avoidance or prevention standpoint…how to help our daughters grow up seeing themselves as beautiful in their own Mirrors, avoiding ED problems in the first place, and cultivating a strong and healthy body image, unbeatable self esteem, and enviable self confidence. 

 

Until Then… 

 

Introduction

 

I’ve never been concerned with my body image.  At least not that I remember.  I’ve always been athletic (I wanted to say “an athlete,” but I’m not so sure I could justify that claim).

 

After I quit playing football at UCLA, I had a lot of hard earned muscles get pretty flabby, but I don’t remember giving a darn. 

 

Four years as a JAG Officer in the Marine Corps kept me fit after law school.

 

When I got out of the service I drank, smoked, ate whatever I felt like, didn’t exercise much, and flabbed up again.  But I don’t remember giving a darn.

 

Kept up the bad health habits until I started playing some racket ball and couldn’t breathe after about 3 minutes.

 

Truth be told, I hated gasping for air after 3 minutes of playing racket ball with an older guy who was crippled with arthritis and could barely walk or stand up straight.  But worse, I hated that he regularly beat the you know what out of me.

 

That’s when I quit drinking and smoking and overeating junk food and started paying attention to my health.    

 

Without much concern, if any, for what the Mirror said.  I don’t remember giving a darn. 

 

I have a hunch that many, if not the vast majority of you other dads out there have a similar story.  Maybe you still want be an athlete, maybe you’re still gasping for breath, but I bet you don’t really give a darn what the Mirror says.  The more vain of you, maybe.  For the vast majority, perhaps to some extent, sure, but not really.  Not obsessively.

 

I think we dads have a pretty good capacity to either accept that we are what we are or happily kid ourselves about it.

 

We have an uncanny knack to accept our bodies and the various pleasures they allow us to enjoy the way they are.

 

Right?

 

So how and why do so many of our poor, beautiful daughters get so hung up on their body image?   How do they come to be convinced that a “better body” (whatever that means) somehow equates to a better life?

 

And, worse, how are we ill equipped, ignorant, and insensitive dads supposed to understand this phenomenon and deal with it?  It doesn’t compute very well for us.  It’s really hard for us to “get” this.

 

But I’m here to tell you dads to wake up to this.  Get it or not, it is a major issue that can have a huge impact on your daughter(s) (and son(s), by the way) developing and suffering from an Eating Disorder.

 

So today let’s look at Body Image and your daughter’s Mirror from her point of view and see if we can make some sense of it.  Next post we’ll see if there are ways we can be helpful.  Or at least effectively supportive if we can’t actually be helpful. 

 

Direct, Proportional Link

 

Based on my experience, research, and what I can glean from talking to quite a few ED sufferers, the first thing you dads need to realize is that your daughter’s body image and her self esteem are linked.  Directly. Proportionately.

 

If she has a strong, positive body image (believes that she looks “good” – whatever that means to her), then she is likely to have a strong, positive self esteem.

 

If she thinks she looks “bad” (however she defines that - too fat, too thin, too big of ears, too flat of chest, an ugly nose – you name it), she is likely to have a negative self esteem.

 

And the worse she thinks she looks, the lower her self esteem.

 

I advice you to not try to actually understand this from a logical, rational, provable point of view.  You’ll go nuts trying.  Because it’s not logical, rational, or provable. 

 

Just accept it.  And, more importantly, be aware of it as it applies to your daughter and be sensitive to it.  I tell you this in the hope you may avoid mistakes I made.  This never, ever, ever occurred to me when my daughters were growing up.  I only came to hear and learn about this when I was desperately hoping my daughter would be alive long enough to have a chance to recover from her Eating Disorder.

 

The earlier you tune into this, the better.

 

Distorted Perception

 

Next thing to be alert to is that our daughters, especially as they become more susceptible to possible Eating Disorder behaviors and/or become more influenced by Eating Disorders (and there seems to be a complex chicken and egg thing going on here) begin to have what I believe I’ve seen described somewhere as a “distorted perception” of their body image. 

 

I can tell you from my own experience with my daughter that as her Eating Disorder took over her life more and more, slowly and hardly noticeably at first, she definitely became more and more detached from reality.  I think this detachment from reality is one of the primary reason that she and other ED sufferers tend to lie…a lot.  Often they have no idea they are lying (is it a lie if you really believe it’s the truth?). 

 

As ED takes a more firm hold on her life, your daughter’s distorted perception gradually becomes more distorted and the worse and worse she may believe she looks. 

 

Listen up here.  It does not make a bit of difference if 10,000 people a day tell her she looks great and is beautiful and perfect in every way.  She’ll just believe they’re lying to her. 

 

The only thing that really matters to her is HER PERCEPTION of what she looks like.  And as she perceives she looks worse and worse, her self esteem, directly and proportionately, goes right down the dumper, too.

 

So please get in tune, if you can, and be sensitive to HER PERCEPTION of her body image today.  Right now.

 

And here’s a big kicker.  She is also going to be strongly influenced by HER PERCEPTION of what her body SHOULD BE.  Not just what it is, but also what it should be.

 

That’s really scary.  What should it be?  What you think her body should be like and what she thinks it should be can be galaxies apart.  This is where you hear about the influence of all the impossibly skinny and unhealthy models all over TV and the tabloids.

 

Here’s an example of this concept of distorted reality and body image. 

 

After my daughter had been undergoing intensive in-patient treatment at Remuda Ranch for about 6 weeks, her Dietician had her draw a life sized silhouette of herself – what she thought she looked like by then.  Then the Dietician had her stand up against her “self image” and the Dietician traced my daughter’s real silhouette on it. 

 

The real thing was about ½ the size of my daughter’s perception of herself.  Said another way, my daughter believed that she was twice as big as reality.

 

(Apparently this is a common technique, although it was the first time my daughter had experienced it and the first I’d heard of it.  My daughter said she was shocked and it was a big eye opener for her.)

 

My point here is that if you notice your daughter inexplicably losing weight and/or exhibiting other signs or behaviors that might lead you to believe she may be developing an eating disorder and you want to discuss it with her, it’s not going to be easy.  There are traps and pitfalls here. 

 

What you see is probably not even be close to what she sees.  So if you just say you look great the way you are, she’s likely to:  1) think you’re lying to her and therefore lose trust, confidence, and respect for you and your advice/opinions, or, 2)  believe that if you think she’s looks good now, just wait ‘till she losses even more weight!

 

Anorexics and Bulimics Have Different Perceptions

 

I’m going to say this in my unprofessional, dad observation, extremely simplistic, and one-dimensional way in the hope that other dads can grasp the big concepts without getting diverted by too many complexities and nuances.  I do, however, welcome comments to this blog from professionals and ED sufferers to correct me if I’m wrong, but here goes.

 

As I understand it, people suffering from Anorexia don’t necessarily see themselves as being fat or too fat.  It’s more a matter of seeing themselves as not thin enough.

 

One day when I got to visit with my daughter during her treatment program at Remuda Ranch, she introduced me to another young woman I’ll call Betsy (not her real name, of course).  We chatted for a time and when Betsy left, my daughter said to me, “Do you think she’s skinnier than me?”

 

“It’s impossible to compare,” I said.  “First, you both have on so many clothes I couldn’t tell if I wanted to.  Second, she’s about 5 feet tall you can see her whole structure is really small to start with.  You’re about 5 feet 6 and you’re just built entirely differently.  Apples and oranges.  Why do you care, anyway?”

 

“Because Betsy said I’m thinner than her and it upset her.  She says she wants to be the thinnest one here.  I already think she is…by a long shot.  Just wondered what you thought.”

 

I was blown away.

 

“Wait,” I said.  “She’s in treatment for her Eating Disorder, doesn’t think she’s already thin enough, and her goal is to be the thinnest one here?  At treatment?”

 

“Yep.”

 

See why this is hard for us dads to grasp?

 

Those suffering with Bulimia, on the other hand, seem to not strive to be the thinnest, but I sense they want to see themselves as thin enough so they can eat whatever and whenever they want and not have to worry about their weight exploding out of control.

 

Unfortunately, it seems that their ED does not allow them to actually control that “eat anything they want whenever they want” part very well, hence binging, and then purging on a regular basis.

 

One of the women I met during Family Week at Remuda was in her mid 30’s, married, had 2 kids, and before entering the program had vomited up at least one meal (often more) every day for over 20 years.  She’d been married to her husband for 12 years.  Twelve years with her husband…vomiting daily…and he had no idea. 

 

Dads, think about that.  Think about how secretive and deceptive she had to have been to keep up a daily vomiting ritual and keep it completely secret from her husband for over a decade.  By the way, she is the sweetest, kindest person you’d ever want to meet.  You have to understand it is the disorder that causes the deception, not a desire to be deceptive or a character or moral flaw.

 

This is not an uncommon story.  The husband never knew until she finally told him that she wanted treatment.  And, from what she said, he did not take it well at all.

 

What a horrific burden she must have been carrying around all by herself since she was a teenager.

 

So dads, imagine how difficult it might be for you to discuss these things with your daughter. 

 

Hopefully you see the kind of land mines you may have to traverse if you want to talk to your daughter about body image – and hence, self esteem.  Do not forget that body image and self esteem are directly and proportionately linked, so when you start talking about one, you’re talking about the other, too.

 

Next Time

 

Please, dads, think about what your daughter’s Mirror on the Wall is saying to her.  It is likely to be a far different Mirror than the one you’re looking at.  A far different voice than what you hear.  Far different, in fact, from anything that you might have imagined. 

 

But if you truly want to help your daughter avoid or battle her particular Mirror, you have to see it through her eyes and hear what it is saying through her ears.  Nothing else will do.

 

I’m feeling like that’s a lot to contemplate.  Enough for now.  Please think about these things.  They’re important.

 

Next time, dads, in “Mirror, Mirror On The Wall – Part II,” I plan to address some specific and constructive ways that I believe will help you talk about these things with your daughters.  And, better yet, I’ll show you some simple things you can do and communication tips you can use early on to help you help prevent your daughters’ body image from ever becoming an issue in the first place.

 

Wouldn’t that be sweet?

 

Until then…

 

Introduction

 

My 26 year old daughter just came home 5 days ago after 3½ months of intensive in-patient treatment at Remuda Ranch and Remuda Life. 

 

Just before Christmas her MD told me she would die – not “might” die, “would” die – if she did not get into intensive treatment immediately.

 

I did a lot of research on treatment programs and facilities.  She selected Remuda Ranch.  I don’t think she could have made a better choice. 

 

That whole process – finding and evaluating treatment programs and facilities and then figuring out how to pay for them and sorting through the insurance morass is a blog in itself.  I’ll address that soon.

 

So for 3½ months my daughter has been, as she often said, “watched like a hawk,” tube fed, counseled, schooled, and otherwise often not allowed to do much but sit on the couch, read, journal, and make bead bracelets and necklaces.  Oh, and color in coloring books.  Fine bit of good that Masters in Education was doing her. 

 

She was weighed, blood pressured, counseled, poked, prodded, forced to eat every morsel on her plate at every meal like it or not, and often likened herself a prisoner. 

 

Her fellow inmates all suffered from Eating Disorders, too, so the support group was, if not always kind and friendly, at least all in the same boat.  They certainly had an understanding and could relate to each other’s struggles, feelings, and emotions.

 

All of the treatment she received from the doctors, therapists, dieticians, and everyone else at Remuda was top notch and was administered and given in love and with her health and best interests at heart.

 

She didn’t always see it exactly that way.  She often had that prisoner mentality. 

 

Fast forward to 5 days ago and, voila, she’s released.  Out of jail.  No hawks watching.  No tubes down her nose.  No blood pressure cuff first thing in the morning.  No one to see if she eats all of her burnt grilled cheese sandwich or not or drinks every last drop of her Ensure.

 

She’s finally coming home and as her dad, I’m torn.

 

Grateful that she’s coming home.  Grateful that she’s healthier.  Grateful that she got terrific treatment. 

 

But anxious, too.  How will she manage without the hawks, tubes, and constant monitoring? 

 

I felt pretty secure when she was in in-patient treatment.  After all, even if she “slipped” there was a whole team of dedicated and caring professionals to help her get up and move on.  And a large support group of other women who had shared experiences with her.

 

Now, at home, god knows I am ill equipped to deal with her Eating Disorder.  I’m smart enough, have researched enough, and was well trained enough at Remuda’s Family Week to know that my job is NOT to deal with her Eating Disorder. 

 

But what if she has a slip?

 

What am I REALLY – you know, like in the real world – supposed to do?

 

So, if you think about it, it’s easier for me when she’s in treatment. 

 

Wouldn’t it be great if she could come out of treatment cured?  All better?  Well?  Perfectly Healthy?  Stable?  Secure?  Self Confident? 

 

Ah, if only it were that easy.

 

Guess what dads.  She gets out and comes home with her frickin’ Eating Disorder.

 

She’s way, way better.  They force fed her and actually had to re-teach her how to eat, what to eat, and how much to eat.  So she’s healthier for sure.  Clearly not about to die right now. 

 

So that’s good.

 

But you have to realize that treatment, whether private or institutional in-patient treatment, doesn’t result in a cure.  This isn’t like going into the hospital with appendicitis, having an operation, and you come out perfectly healthy.  Heck, I went to the hospital one day thinking I was going to get an antibiotic for a lung infection, had a pacemaker installed in my chest the next morning to get around a malfunction in my heart’s electrical system, and drove my motorcycle home the morning after that.  That, my friends, is really fixing the problem.

 

It doesn’t work like that with Eating Disorders. 

 

ED sufferers, unfortunately, go into treatment with their Eating Disorders and come out with their Eating Disorders. 

 

But stronger and healthier.  With tools and skills to help them through difficult situations.  With weapons to fight ED.  And with more insight about what led them down the dark road of self sabotage and self destruction in the first place.

 

In other words, the treatment is not the end of the Eating Disorder, it is only the beginning of learning how to deal with it, manage it, and, with luck and the grace of god, overcome it.

 

Fear

 

So when my daughter came home 5 days ago, along with joy and gratitude, I felt fear.  Fear that she’d slip back into her old ways.  Fear that I wouldn’t know how to handle it.  Fear that ED, who had been repressed to some extent while she was in treatment, would re-gain the upper hand in her head.

 

Fear that her friends, though well meaning, would prove to be a negative influence.

 

Fear that her co-addiction might tempt to make poor choices and start the cycle over again.

 

Five days ago after I drove her home to Newport Beach, CA from Chandler, AZ, after visiting with her sister, nephews, and mom, the next thing she did was “go out” with her friends.  I believe (and I’m only just a dad, so I could be wrong) that “go out” is code for do some bar hopping. 

 

In my caring dad’s view, this is not the ideal first night home from “prison” and I feel fearful that she’s putting herself in the path of unnecessary temptation.

 

But she’s 26 so there’s not a thing I can do about it.

 

Except feel fear. 

 

I talked to her the next day around noon.

 

“How did everything go with your friends?” I asked.

 

“Great.  They were so supportive of me.  And, of course, I got a lot of compliments on how good and healthy I look.  It made me feel really good.  They were so supportive and it was so good to see them and do something fun.”

 

“While you were out did you face any situations or temptations or urges that you had to really fight against or that made you feel uncomfortable or anxious?” I asked – a bit fearful of the answer.

 

“No.  Not at all.  It was just so great to be out and doing something really fun and seeing my friends.”

 

Whew!

 

Frustration

 

That day (the 2^nd day home) she went apartment hunting.  She called later on to tell me about the various apartments she’d seen and to ask some advice.  I gave her my opinions and advice freely.  That’s what we dads are really pretty good at, huh?  Not that it’s always good advice, but we’re happy to dish it out anyway.  And, it’s really exciting when we’re actually asked for it.  That’s a rarity.

 

Next day (the 3^rd day home) we missed each other’s calls in the morning.  I called again around noon, but didn’t hear back.  I called around 3 or 4 but didn’t hear back.  I called around 8 but didn’t hear back.

 

I felt very frustrated. 

 

While she was in treatment, I talked to my daughter at least once every day – often several times a day.  I’d kinda gotten used to it. 

 

And now here she is at home, “free,” and she can’t pick up the phone and give me a ringy-ding?

 

Had I not felt fear in the first place, I assume I wouldn’t have felt so much frustration about not talking to her all day.  But I did.

 

By the way, I wasn’t trying to monitor her or harass her or bug her or anything.  But, I remember when her doctor said she was close to death, so I just wanted her to call and say I’m OK, Dad.  Or, I need your help, Dad.  Either way would be fine.  Anything, actually.  The silence and not knowing was what led to my frustration and that lead to more fear.

 

The fear-frustration-fear-frustration cycle feeds on itself, leading to…

 

Fantasy

 

I think when we experience the combination of fear for the well being of a loved one combined with the frustration of not knowing what to do, if there is anything we can or should do, or even if they need or want our help, leads to fantasy. 

 

And not in a good way.

 

I can’t begin to tell you how many different fantasies I dreamed up that day and night about all the horrific things that may have happened to my daughter both of her own making and as a completely innocent bystander. 

 

I’m calling them Fantasies of Doom.

 

This is the hardest thing for a parent – well, at least for a dad – well, at least for me.  Not knowing.  The not knowing leads to the fear to the frustration and they feed on each other in a circle of ever increasing momentum ‘till the Fantasies of Doom just take over.

 

And there’s nothing you can do.

 

Just hold on. 

 

Next morning she called.  Had a great weekend, Dad.  Sorry about not calling back.  Busy and at brunch with a friend, then watching the basketball game with a group of people, then out and didn’t hear the phone.

 

She was so excited and had THE BEST WEEKEND in years, and felt more self confidence and better about herself than she can even remember, and….ta da….picked an apartment and put down a deposit.

 

So there you go, dad.  Nothing to worry about. 

 

She managed all on her own, just fine.  Without me interfering or having anything to do or worry about.

 

And even if she would have had some difficulties, there isn’t anything I could have done anyway.

 

Bottom Line

 

The most difficult thing for us dads to do when our daughters are suffering from Eating Disorders is to let go and not try to fix it. 

 

Not to say we turn our beautiful daughters out on the streets, shoo them away, and abandon them. 

 

The contrary. 

 

Actually we hold them closer.  Closer than ever before.  But we don’t do it with physical constraints, rules, yelling, threatening.  Even when they’re younger.

 

No sir. 

 

We hold them closer with love, understanding, compassion, LISTENING TO THEM, learning to connect and identify with their emotions and feelings.  Learning to communicate openly and honestly and without judgment. 

 

We tie them closer to us with our encouragement, positive reinforcement, and unconditional love. 

 

I’m not sure I really knew what that meant – unconditional love – until my daughter and our family starting living through this Eating Disorder Test that we’re in.    

 

It’s not easy.  It’s not over for us.  She’s not cured.

 

But she’s better.  Stronger.  Well equipped to deal with it.  Armed to overcome it.  Ready for the battles to come.  Excited for the opportunity to prove she can do it.

 

And me?  Well, this week I’m working on letting go of the Fear, Frustration, and Fantasies of Doom. 

 

I know she can do what she needs to do. 

 

My job, with love, support, and encouragement, is to trust her and let her do it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Introduction

 

From my limited experience with my own daughter and family and from what I’ve been learning about Eating Disorders recently, shame and guilt are major factors.

 

They are factors for both the sufferer and his or her family members and friends.

 

So dads, this is to help you look at your shame and guilt and that of your daughter.  This applies to all of life, by the way, so even if you don’t yet have a daughter with an Eating Disorder, this information may help you in your prevention efforts.

 

The Difference Between Shame & Guilt

 

Shame is personal.  It is a negative feeling or belief we have about ourselves.

 

Guilt is more impersonal.  It is a feeling or belief we have about our behaviors.

 

Shame = about ourselves.

 

Guilt = about our behaviors.

 

This is not just a semantic subtlety.  This is a very important distinction about how you feel about yourself, how your daughter feels about herself, and how you, as the dad, interact with your daughter.

 

Let me say this very clearly to start.  You, dad, have no business feeling either guilt or shame about your daughter’s Eating Disorder.  Sometimes we dads think we’re omnipotent, but I hate to break the news to you….we’re not.

 

When I first began to take my daughter’s Anorexia seriously (that was the day her doctor told me she was on the verge of death – heart failure at any moment) I immediately began wondering what I had done or could have done differently to have prevented my beautiful daughter from having to face the anguish.  (That’s guilt thinking).

 

In addition to that, I never once mentioned her Eating Disorder to anyone on earth including my own father for the 4 years or so that I knew she had it and was seeing private therapists and dieticians.  Not once to anyone.  (That is shame thinking – like maybe there is something wrong with me and/or that I should be ashamed of her ED for some reason that, for the life of me now, I can’t figure out what that was.)

 

Dads, trust me when I say we don’t have the power to make our Daughters’ get Eating Disorders. 

 

Are we perfect parents?  Hell no.  None of us are that.  We make mistakes.  All of us could do our dadding (I like that word instead of “parenting”) better.  We may have done things or reacted in ways that contributed in some minor ways or in some major ways to our daughters developing an ED.  (And for you dads whose daughters don’t have an Eating Disorder, all this applies to you, too, in your efforts to help your daughters avoid or prevent suffering from an ED.)

 

But even if we made a bunch of major dadding mistakes as our kids were growing up, they were only part of a multitude of complex and complicated factors that led her down her ED road or that could lead her down that road.

 

And, for you daughters who I hope are reading this, I’ve heard many of you talk about feeling bad (translate “guilty”) about causing your dads or your families or your loved ones so much anguish and pain because of your ED.  If that’s you, get over it.  The last thing we dads want is to burden you with guilt or shame because you developed a disease that you never wanted and would probably do just about anything to get rid of. 

 

We don’t blame you any more than you should blame us.

 

I don’t want to dwell on the myriad of causes of EDs in this post, so, for now, let’s just say that the factors leading to EDs are extremely complicated.    

 

That said, let’s look at how shame and guilt influence our relationships with each other.

 

Shame

 

Shame is an internal feeling that you are flawed or that something is wrong with you.  As a person. 

 

Oh, and how it can sneak up on you, can’t it? 

 

One after another seemingly insignificant events pile up on you and weigh you down.

 

You get a bad grade on one math test in 2^nd grade.  You think to yourself, “Everyone else did well on that test…I feel kinda stupid.”

 

Next math test you do OK, but not up to your expectations because you were trying so hard to do better.  You tell yourself, “Gee, I believe I’m kinda stupid.”

 

Now you’re really going to do the best you can on the next one, but your grade is still off the mark.  And now you’re saying to yourself, “I am stupid.”

 

You’ve evolved from felling kinda stupid to actually being a stupid person in 3 math tests.

 

And, for you, being stupid is painful.  You actually know, with all your heart, that there is something wrong with you. 

 

That’s where shame comes from.  It’s feeling, then believing, then knowing that you are  defective or broken…that there is something wrong with YOU.

 

It seems like once it starts, it spreads inside you like a disease.  

 

Pretty soon it’s not just about math.  It’s broader.  Maybe undefined, and maybe well masked, but it lurks inside you.

 

Fast forward to high school.  Your boyfriend cheats on you.  You find out.  You’re really upset, angry, shocked, hurt, devastated, broken hearted.   

 

How do you react?  “It must be my fault.  I wonder what’s wrong with me.  I’m too ________________. 

 

You can fill in your own blank – fat, ugly, skinny, nice, naïve, flirty, poor, rich, stupid, smart, aggressive, shy.  But even worse, weak, disgusting, non-deserving.  Whatever you are insecure and shameful about will do to fill in that blank.  And it will add to your shame.  The feeling that there is something wrong with YOU.

 

See how this works, dads?  Whether we recognize it or not or are willing to admit it or not, we’ve been there ourselves to some degree.  Luckily, hopefully, we’ve been able to work ourselves out of it.

 

But for many of our daughters, it is a vicious cycle that feeds on itself, becomes a part of their lives, and leads to more and more negative self image and self talk.  Our daughters fall into the trap of anticipating bad things because they actually believe they do not deserve good things - kindness, love, peace, happiness, and health. 

 

A high level of shame, even when (or maybe especially when) deeply ingrained and well masked, makes your daughter want to hide or be hidden from the world.  She’s carrying around a great deal of pain and will do things to divert her attention from that pain.  Things that we may think of, logically, as quite bizarre.

 

But when she’s suffering from a lot of internal pain, even when wearing a happy face for your benefit, she’s looking for ways to block out the suffering and block out the feelings and emotions.  And, desperately, to get control over something in her life.

 

I hope you know that her desire to block hurt and despair and get control of something can lead straight to a monumental Eating Disorder.    

 

Guilt

 

Unlike shame, guilt is about behaviors and actions or non-actions. 

 

You are supposed to be home by your midnight curfew but don’t show up ‘till 12:30.  You get in trouble with your dad by violating the curfew. 

 

You steal a cold drink from the grocery store.  You cheat off of the test of the person sitting next to you in class.  You lie to your dad about who you were hanging out with at the mall because you know he wouldn’t approve of who you were really with.   

 

In these circumstances, you say to yourself, “I broke a rule” or “I broke the law” or even “I violated a trust and I feel guilty about doing it.”

 

Knowing that you have done something that is against a rule (written or unwritten) doesn’t make you feel like you’re defective…only that you’ve violated the rule. 

 

And, the great thing about guilt compared to shame is that it can be erased fairly easily. 

 

You make amends.  You apologize to the violated person.  You make financial restitution.  You go to jail and serve your time and get a fresh start.  You go to confession and god forgives you.  You apologize to your dad and swear you’ll never miss your curfew again and, voila, all is forgiven.  At least until next time.

 

So guilt is way simpler to deal with that shame.

 

How To Use This Knowledge

 

Dads, here’s the bottom line. 

 

Of course when your daughter is young you have to make and enforce rules for a whole slew of perfectly good reasons.  You have to discipline her at times.  It’s part of the dad job.

 

As your daughter gets older, you have to advice her and help and support her in her life and in her life decisions.

 

The question is whether you are going to do it from a Shame Perspective or from a Guilt Perspective.

 

For example, let’s say your high school age daughter misses her curfew and comes home late.

 

The Shame Perspective would be to say something like, “I knew I couldn’t trust you.  You’re irresponsible.  You said you’d be home on time.  You were not home on time, so you’re also an untrustworthy liar.  It’s no wonder you don’t have any friends.  No one likes a liar they can’t trust. You’re grounded for 2 weeks.”

 

The Guilt Perspective would be to say something like, “You know you’re late for your curfew, right?  And you know there are consequences for your actions, right?  I told you if you broke curfew you’d be grounded for 2 weeks.  So your actions leave me no choice.  I love you, but I need you to be responsible for your behaviors.  I have to ground you for 2 weeks.”

 

Exact same result.  Grounded for 2 weeks. 

 

But the first, Shame Perspective, was all about the daughter as a defective person.  An irresponsible and lying person.  Pushing shame on her and making her feel shame.  And punishing her for being the person she is.

 

The second, Guilt Perspective, was all about the daughter’s behavior – not about her as a person.  Behaviors have consequences and the sooner we can teach that lesson to our daughters, the better off they will be and the stronger our relationships with them can be.

 

Let’s say, as another example, that your daughter is an adult and maybe even suffering from or recovering from an Eating Disorder.

 

She is supposed to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day.

 

She calls you and admits that she skipped 1 meal and 2 snacks the day before yesterday.

 

The Shame Perspective might say something like, “I knew you couldn’t do it.  You really have to put more effort into your recovery or you’ll never get any better.  You’re irresponsible, so how do you expect other people to get behind you and support you? You’ll never get better if you we can’t trust you to at least eat what you’re supposed to.”

 

If you had a Guilt Perspective you’d be more likely to say, “Oh, shoot, I’m sorry to hear that.  I know it’s really hard for you to keep up on all your meals and snacks, but I think you know better than anyone what the consequences will be if you don’t.  You said that was day before yesterday.  How did you do yesterday?  Better, I hope.  As hard as it is for you, I feel sad and disappointed when you don’t stick with your meal plan because I really want to see you healthy and happy again.  So I need you to stick with it as best you can everyday, OK?  I don’t want to see you back in a treatment program or, worse yet, a hospital.  So please keep doing everything you can and make sure to tell me if there is anything I can do to help you.”

 

(I hope you notice the “I Fee…When…Because…I Need” communication tool in there.  If not, check it out again.)

 

I won’t belabor this.  I hope you can see the difference for both the teenager and the adult. 

 

As I said, this is not a matter of semantics.  This is real life and being aware of the differences between shame and guilt could be the critical factor in your dadding effectiveness for both ED prevention and treatment/recovery.  

 

Many dads (and parents and other family members as well as friends, bosses, and others) seem to feel they gain the upper hand or some form of power if they are constantly in Shame Perspective – raining down shame on others as much as possible.  I suspect (have no idea if this is true, it’s just my gut) that they probably came from a Shame Perspective Environment and learned it at an early age.  And that they carry around much shame themselves.

 

If you dads can learn to deal with your daughters’ BEHAVIORS when you need to discipline or advise them, you will be way, way, way ahead of the game in both Eating Disorder prevention and in helping your daughters in their recovery efforts.